The lake house bathroom yesterday afternoon:

[Turn on water, wait for warmth, step into shower.]

[Look up to wash sunscreen off neck only to find myself staring at (an admittedly smallish) spider clinging to shower wall.  Nothing too alarming, really, but seeing as I’m not a big fan of spiders in general (and definitely not when I’m unclothed) I’m never keen on close encounters.]

[Watching spider.]  Hmmm…it must see me standing here.  I mean, water’s pounding on the tub, the shower curtain made noise as I pulled it open and closed, and a grown woman just stepped within three feet of it.  Spiders have eyes, right?  Don’t be stupid, of course they have eyes.  But why isn’t it moving? Nature dictates I’m the bigger threat here so logically the spider should be hauling ass to safety.

Crap.  I have to turn my back on it if I want to wash my hair.  Don’t be a baby, just do it, the thing’s not gonna jump you when your back’s turned.  [Slowly turn around and tip head back to wet hair.]  Crap crap crap crap, it was probably just waiting for me to turn my back…okay, just BREATHE.

[Open eyes to see second spider on ceiling toward back of shower.]

Oh, COME ON.  Okay, at least that one’s farther away.  [Start to shampoo a little more quickly.]  I’m sure they’ll clear out in a – WHY IS IT DROPPING FROM THE CEILING?!  Crap.  What’s wrong with the nature here?  I am about a thousand times bigger than you!  Run away!  You should be saving yourself, you stupid arachnid.

[Turn back to face shower head to find that spider had crawled further down wall while my back was turned.]  Ah ha!  You WERE just waiting for me to look away, I knew it…this is crazy…okay, maybe if I make some noise.

~ And this would be when I began talking…out loud…to the spiders.  No, this was not at all weird. ~

“This shower feels great.  There’s nothing like warm water to clean off the sweat and sunscreen after a day in the sun.  A good, long, warm – STOP IT.  Stop climbing down, I’m bigger than you, you should be climbing up the wall away from me, you dumb spider.”

[Turn to rinse hair again and find that talking seems to be working on the second spider.  He’s climbing his web back toward the ceiling.]

“That’s RIGHT, just keep on climbing, buddy.  I could smush you with one hand if I didn’t mind getting spider guts on my palm so just be glad I’m in a good mood.”  [Spider starts to cross ceiling, moving out of shower area.]  “There you go, that’s where you belong, this is my shower.”

[Turn to eyeball first spider that is still inexplicably hanging out within reach on the shower wall.]

“And YOU.  You’ll just stay right there while I finish up and get out if you know what’s good for you.”  [Keep close eye on the spider’s movements while I do just that.]

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these things?!  Don’t they have any sense of self-preservation at all?


I imagine, if bears and mountain lions could think in a linear or logical fashion, these are the sort of thoughts they’d have when they run across stupid campers in the woods.