We were standing in the church hallway waiting for the kids to finish their Sunday School class when BrightSide had what I’ll call an “oops” moment.
I’ve found this sometimes happens with men. There seems to be some kind of filter deficiency in the Y chromosome that occasionally produces what can only be called Unfortunate Spontaneous Verbal Emissions (USVE).
On this particular Sunday I was complaining about my shoes. I’ve loved them forever – they’re dark brown leather sandals that go with practically anything. They’re slides (no straps or buckles – gotta love easy), with two wide straps across the top of your foot and a fat, low heel. They’re dressy enough to go with nice outfits but can also pair with a casual dress, as long as you don’t go too far down the hippie sundress scale. They’re so versatile I even own a second pair in black.
I guess you can tell I really love these shoes considering I just wrote an entire paragraph detailing the things.
As a plus, I was
cursed born with bunions on both feet (yay, genetics!), and those straps fit neatly around the problem areas. Bonus!
For the lucky ones with no experience in this area, per WebMD: “A bunion is an unnatural, bony hump that forms at the base of the big toe where it attaches to the foot…Because a bunion occurs at a joint, where the toe bends in normal walking, your entire body weight rests on the bunion at each step. Bunions can be extremely painful.”
At any rate, these shoes had served me faithfully for years. Church, parties, most any dressy occasion – if it happened from April to (sometimes) October, these shoes would be on my feet. But over the last year or so they’ve started to betray me.
It began slowly at first. I’d wear them to a function and realize at the end of it that the shoes weren’t very comfortable. Then I’d only make it partway through before I started to feel some discomfort, but if I wasn’t on my feet the entire time or I could slip my feet out and quickly wiggle my toes then I’d be fine. But in the last six months or so the bottom fell out.
We’re no longer talking “discomfort.” Now we’re talking actual pain.
I’m sure some of you (especially my male friends) are wondering wth, if they HURT why on earth are you still wearing them?! All I can say to you is this: God knows I don’t wish you any ill will, but considering you only have three (at most) options for dress shoe styles YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A SHOE LIKE THIS. One that goes with everything. Seriously. It’s priceless.
But my perfect shoes have turned on me. Those wide straps across the top? They no longer sit beautifully atop my foot, accenting my outfit. Instead they dig into my skin, leaving angry red grooves or welts, making me curse the day I ever brought them into my life.
What’s especially unfortunate here is that both my feet are hurting. Why does this matter? Because back in 1997 I finally couldn’t take the pain anymore and had bunion surgery performed on my right foot. (Now THAT’S a fun story, but we’ll save it for another time.) So I’ve got one bunion-burdened foot that hurts like hell and one “fixed” foot that also hurts like hell. Something is definitely wrong with this picture.
But back to the church hallway…my conversation with BrightSide went something like this:
me: These shoes are killing me. I used to love them but now they hurt like crazy.
BrightSide: Do you think gravity’s taking effect?
me: [blink, blink]
BrightSide: Maybe your feet are spreading.
me: [blink, blink]
me: (WTF are you saying to me?! Are you calling me old? Fat? NEITHER OF THOSE ARE GOOD COMMENTS TO MAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CHURCH HALLWAY SEEING AS I AM NOW FLOODED WITH UNCHRISTIAN THOUGHTS!)
me: I have no idea.
Bless his heart.