We hit another wall with T-man and his birthmother. The last glitch I survived happened at the end of a visit with her (you can read my post “ouch” here) and it was a pretty rough awakening. I think I handled this week’s episode okay (or at least as well as I could), but it’s safe to say that my approach is definitely more straightforward now.
BrightSide was bringing the kids home after work Wednesday when an interesting (and by “interesting” I mean devastating) topic popped up in the car. T-man and Bear had been “jinxing” each other all day – saying the same thing at the same time – and BrightSide made an offhand comment that it’s something siblings do.
To which T-man responded that Bear isn’t his sister.
When BrightSide passed this along I sucked in a deep breath, thinking surely this was the worst of it. As if. I should know better by now.
When BrightSide asked him, T-man went on to name his birthmother as his mom.
I’d already had a somewhat difficult evening, so learning that my son still sees me as a caregiver (don’t bother disputing this, he’s already admitted as much) was more than just a blip on the screen. It brought me to a full stop, neurons firing wildly as I tried to process this piece of information.
My son believes someone else is his mom?! The flip side being, my son doesn’t see me that way? What the hell?!?
I don’t know how my heart didn’t explode right then and there. Not to wallow (cue tiny violin) but I have cried pools of tears over this child. I’ve crawled through glass, walked through fire, held his hand during some of the hardest moments imaginable for such a young man, all because he is my son. We’ve celebrated beautiful moments, too, and experienced incredible joy. T-man is part of me now, a piece I’ve grafted onto my heart with a mama bear’s fierce love.
Yet he does not claim me.
Well, I decided the hell with that mess – it was time T-man and I had a serious heart-to-heart about our relationship. And that’s how I found myself perched on the side of his bed at 8:30pm, ready to dig in and make myself understood.
I wanted to be sure we didn’t have any crossed wires, so I came right out and asked T-man about the car ride. He readily admitted to making the statements about his relationship with Bear and his birthmother (we’ll call her Miss C). Okay then…game on.
Here’s what went down in his room Wednesday night.
Me: I know adoption complicates things a little. (Draw a triangle in the air.) Mom – dad – baby…that’s pretty simple. Mom – dad – (wave hand near triangle) woman over here has a baby then chooses these people to be his parents…that’s a little more tricky. Now you’ve got this whole other circle involved in things, right?
T-man: (nodding)
Me: I’ve mostly talked about things in general when it comes to adoption, but it looks like we need to talk about some details. So what’s a mom?
T-man: A mom is someone who gets pregnant and has the baby in a hospital.
Me: Well, Miss C is your mother – she carried you for nine months, brought you into this world, and did her best to care for you before choosing us to be your parents. She is the reason you’re on this planet and we’ll be forever grateful for that, because I just can’t imagine a world without you in it. She gave birth to you then put your needs first. If she was selfish she would have kept you because she loves you, but that’s not what mothers do. They have their babies and then they put their children first. For you, that meant choosing people who would give you a stable, loving home. Miss C is your mother.
Me: Me? I’m your mom. I’m the one who gets up every morning to make sure you eat breakfast before school. I check to see if you’ve done your homework. I’m the one who cleaned up your puke when you had the flu and checks your temperature when you’re not feeling well. When you were little and had an accident at school, I was the one who brought you new clothes to wear. I coordinate your activities, get you to your practices, and show up at every game to cheer you on.
(Still Me): I’m at your school awards assemblies, clapping when you’re recognized for your hard work, and I’m at your school plays. I know your favorite yogurt and keep it stocked in our fridge. I know your favorite snack, favorite cereal, the books you’re reading right now, and the science project you’re planning. I ask about your day when you get home – How was school? What about that kid who’s been bugging you at recess? How are things going with your teachers? I try to help you eat healthy, and I make sure you see your doctor. I’m the one checking that stupid website every day to see if the flu mist is in yet.
(Still Me): I’m the one who walked you all night when you came home with an ear infection that hurt something awful. I take care of your wounds and help you get back up again. I’m the one who talks to you about sex and drugs and all the hard stuff that helps you grow into a good person. I’m the one who kept you from wearing a stinky shirt to the dance because girls don’t like boys who smell. I’m the one who’s here day-in, day-out, for everything…the good, the bad, and the ugly.
(Yep, STILL Me): That’s a mom, T-man. No, we don’t have that umbilical cord thing, but that’s just biology. We have ten-and-a-half YEARS of mom time, with many more to go. So yes, Miss C’s your mother and she loves you. But she’s not your mom, T-man. I’m your mom.
***************
As you can see, it was a pretty long conversation with a whole lot of listening on T-man’s part, so he looked kind of exhausted when I finally kissed him goodnight and left his room.
This was a huge bombshell for a Wednesday night.
Do I think it’s fixed? Do I think T-man’s 100% convinced I’m his mom? No, I honestly don’t. And frankly I’m a little sad that I have to convince him at all.
But at least I spoke the truth to my 11-year-old son. Miss C’s role in his life is intrinsic. Without her there wouldn’t be a T-man. But “mom” is a title I’ve earned, and I’m claiming it. Unapologetically.
Riddle from the Middle 
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I’m sorry to hear about your (step)children — kids really do break our hearts sometimes, don’t they? It sounds like you were the best mom you could be for them, and that’s the greatest gift you can give a child. You’re right…if they have children of their own someday, that’s when they’ll gain a truer grasp of who you really were to them. That doesn’t make the memory’s pain easier to bear, though…
I have to say that the sentence really ringing for me is “The difference is that biological children have the enormous satisfaction of never questioning their belonging.” Bless you for saying this. I’m shaking my head at how obvious this is, but I don’t know that I ever truly *heard* it before and it’s given me a great deal of insight into T-man and Bear.
LikeLike
I cannot fathom your pain at the post labeled Ouch, or this one. I just cannot imagine your heartbreak. I can relate somewhat, because I raised two children full-time for 8+ years and I was absolutely THE MOM, but I could never win their affections to the degree I wanted then, and have resigned myself that I will never win those, per se. I will probably never recover, and I try to find solace in the concept that I did what was right by them, by God, and that has to be enough. Until they have children of their own, they will probably not fathom the concepts of love and sacrifice — and I believe that’s true of all children.
I have never viewed them as my stepchildren, and I never will.
Since I’ve added two biological children, I can tell you the difference. The difference is that biological children have the enormous satisfaction of never questioning their belonging. Since I am a person with divorced parents, and a stepparent, I can see that from all sides.
I’m really sorry to read these posts. I feel such sadness about it all.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My cousin who is adopted and now in his early 50s finally met his birth mother’s other children – his siblings (she had passed away a few years back). All was chocolate and roses for a few months until he realised that they weren’t as perfect as he thought they were, and in fact were just normal people with normal people issues.
I’m sorry you are going through this…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for adding your brother’s experience here…that must be difficult no matter what the age when you finally meet. It’s hard not to paint a pretty picture of a family you’ve imagined for years, and no normal people can actually live up to those expectations. I’m wondering how these sorts of things will affect my own kids once they’re 18 or older…
We’re doing okay here…good days, bad days, days in between…probably like a lot of parents out there! We just get that weird bonus twist from the adoption. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
“It’s hard not to paint a pretty picture of a family you’ve imagined for years, and no normal people can actually live up to those expectations.”
Actually, I (and many other adoptees I know) didn’t go into reunion with unrealistic expectations. I was 46 when I first reunited with extended family and I just hoped that they would be nice people and not slam the door in my face. And that is what they are , nice kind people. They are of course just human and that is what I wanted to meet – human people 🙂 I’m glad they aren’t perfect – I would find that intimidating because I’m certainly not perfect lol. Funnily enough what is *hard* in my case is that my bmother sounds much nicer than I thought she would be.. I try to get my relatives to give me as rounded a picture as they can so that I can see her as a human – sharing anecdotes helped to to do that .
I think one reason I went into reunion with realistic expectations is because when my parents talked about our adoptions, they kept within the facts. They didn’t put their own spin on the situation either. They were also honest about letting us know that what they *knew* is what they had been told. When I got my OBC and information pack (in the late 80s), it was mostly similar but with slight differences and some of those differences did make a difference (eg I’d been told that my bmother went overseas to give birth, however the info sheet gave the impression that she might have already overseas before she got pregnant (which is the case)) so I think I realised then that what my parents were told was what the social worker told them. Anyway, after getting my OBC and info sheet, I never really thought too much about it until the internet came along which is when I decided to google my bmother’s name (and found a grave).
So I think if one talks to their child about their situation in a realistic way and keeps within the facts, then that may help the child think of their bparents in a realistic way. I sometimes worry that the tendency today for those in adoption to pretty things up may have the opposite effect to that desired.
One thing though that I do want to say is that if one’s child is talking about their bparent in a positive way, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t considered the alternatives. For many adoptees, they fear the worst and hope for the best and every scenario has probably crossed their mind. Thus it is not particularly helpful to say to *point out* to an adoptee who has said something slightly positive about their bparents that they could been resented, aborted, sold as sex slaves etc etc. We’ve heard all that from the media and general public for years so it is hardly something that we haven’t heard before.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s horrible that these possibilities (in your last paragraph) are pointed out to adoptees – I can’t begin to imagine why someone would think those would help foster a positive self-image.
In some ways I think having the maturity of an adult perspective when you meet your birth family would be a huge asset…T-man’s adoption is open and the interactions he has with his bmom are when we get together for visits, which are usually happy, “everyone have a nice time” sort of gatherings. (Does that even make sense? It’s not like we’d get together and bicker.) Now that he’s older we’re trying to help him develop the perspective of her having an entire life outside those visits, though this ability may just be something that comes with maturity. Our daughter’s adoption is closed, so if (hopefully *when*) she gets a chance to meet her birth family she’ll have realistic expectations.
It’s all a work in progress here!
LikeLike
Weeeelllll….I haven’t adopted a child from babyhood, but I have had a stepchild, and I know the sting of “You’re not my mom!” from that viewpoint.
The thing is, see, it’s natural for a kid who knows he’s adopted, to WISH his birth mother had raised him, and that she was like you in doing all those wonderful things.
But his birth mother is not that person, and it’s normal for him to get angry at you for BEING that person, instead of his mother. He wishes SHE was his mom. And that hurts, because he’s your son, and you want him to feel that.
I can’t even imagine the pain of having your son reject you in that way. And he’s also rejecting his sister, because she didn’t come from his mother either.
He’s hurting too. Otherwise he wouldn’t say such things.
I’m sure by now you’ve given him a chance to get things off his chest, without feeling judged. He’ll feel a lot better knowing you’re listening. He won’t feel so rejected. Kids that age often lash out at the “safe” parent, the one they know won’t go away or give them away. So it’s a backwards compliment 😞
LikeLiked by 1 person
I definitely agree with the safe parent thing. He’ll behave wonderfully elsewhere then lose it at home — I think it’s because he knows deep down that we’ll love him no matter what, though it still can be tough to hear. I’d imagine as a stepparent you do hear a lot of the same things…
Thanks for sharing your point of view!
LikeLike
Laura:
I sincerely enjoyed reading your blog. I can only empathize with the array of emotions you both have to address with the situation. My sister was adopted. I watched her and my mom struggle some of these issues during the years as well. I admire the way you tackle the delicate issues and I think you are an amazing women and mother.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your kind words, Dee! We’re very blessed to be living this life together. I remember plenty of issues with my own parents…everyone has their own set, I suppose. 🙂
LikeLike
Hi, this is the first time that I read your blog and wanted to share my perspective also as an adoptee/adoptive mom. I was adopted in a closed adoption and as a teenager I remember feeling also that my birthmother was my ‘real mother’ because I was born from her (even though I didn’t know her). I reunited with my birthmom in my thirties when she found me and reuniting with her helped me to personally realize that my adoptive mom was ‘my mom.’ I loved them both, but I had different relationships with them and they had distinct roles in my life. I call my two mothers my ‘mom’ and my ‘birthmom.’ I have never met my birthfather, so I call him my ‘birthfather’ and my adoptive father was my ‘dad.’ (My dad passed away many years ago and ten years before I reunited with my birthmom) I realized and liked that I call my birthmother my ‘birthmom’ because I have a relationship with her, but don’t call my birthfather my ‘birthdad’ because I don’t have a relationship with him.
With my children, they are adopted in an open adoption and are biological sisters. We have never met their birthfathers, but their birthmother/siblings have always been a part of their lives and we see them each year. x I want them to understand that they have two fathers and two mothers and they are only five/six years old so this is how I would explain it to them:
Adopted children have two fathers and two mothers. Your birthfather is your father and Daddy is your father too. We never met your birthfather, but maybe someday you will be able to meet him if you would like to do that.
You have two mothers too. Your birthmother L is your “first mother” because she carried you in her tummy for nine months and gave birth to you. When Daddy and I adopted you, I became your mommy and I live with you and help take care of you everyday. Both your birthmother L and I love you and we are both your ‘real mothers.’ Despite the fact that I have expressed that they have two real mothers to include their birthmom as their mother too as you did, when I asked them who their ‘real mother’ was they said their birthmother (I was hoping they would say both of us). I said in response that they have two real mothers. (Sigh) For me, although my mom that raised me was my ‘mom,’ the girls may feel differently than I did when they grow up and I have to accept that and what they choose to call both of us. So I understand your feeling as an adoptive mom also, but wanted to share some perspectives from my two adoption journeys.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m so glad you came by, Kristine! Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter’s adoption is closed so I do wonder (and try not to worry) about what she has ahead of her. The way you used birthmom/birthfather/mom/dad growing up is exactly how we’ve approached things here. I think I’ll be writing a followup tomorrow for this post — I’m not sure I did very well explaining the dynamic (it does come off very one-sided, since I wrote it that same night).
I think your children are doubly blessed by having an adoptee for a parent. You have a much deeper understanding of what’s in their heads and hearts, and that’s a very special bond between the three of you. Please visit again. You have the unique perspective of someone who’s walked both sides of this path.
Best of luck!
Laura
LikeLike
I am not sure you can really find a blanket statement for this type of situation. Every child is different, every parent is different, every family is different, and EVERY adoptee is different. There is unfortunately no “guide” to caring for adopted children. I think what she did in this post was a great way of handling not only the unique situation she is in, open adoptions ARE unique even if they are becoming more common, but also strengthening the bond with HER child.
LikeLike
“I am not sure you can really find a blanket statement for this type of situation. Every child is different, every parent is different, every family is different, and EVERY adoptee is different. There is unfortunately no “guide” to caring for adopted children.”
I definitely agree with you there. In the end, that is why it is good to have different perspectives. I for one actually learn a lot of from those who disagree with me in a constructive way.
In the end as you point out, we all have different experiences. i am a domestic infant adoptee and you are a Korean adoptee with very different opinions of our birthmothers (having read your blog, I totally understand why you feel as you do). On the other hand, we both seem to very much love our adoptive parents 🙂 Your mum sounds awesome 🙂
LikeLike
“Well, I decided the hell with that mess – it was time T-man and I had a serious heart-to-heart about our relationship.”
Doesn’t having a serious “heart to heart” mean that both sides actually listen to each other and find out what is in each others hearts?
You more or less went in, lectured your son about what a “real mom” does and then walked out without even letting him have a word in. You made the conversation about you. Your conversation might well have the opposite effect to what you hoped. Your son may feel less likely to share things in future. If my own mom had come in and had the above conversation with me, I would feel ashamed and then shut down.
Let me ask you, have you ever doubted that your son loves you? No? If you love each other, isn’t that the important thing? Just build your own relationship on rock and don’t worry about comparisons to others. Life is more complicated for an adoptee – they are both “born to” one person and “as if born to” another, they have two identifies that they need to integrate together. Rather than trying to define those identifies for him, why not allow him to explore his own feelings with you?
I think you now need to have a proper two way conversation with him. Perhaps you could say to him something like “I was so busy defining what I felt a mom was that I never stopped to listen to your feelings. I’m ready to listen now”.
The best thing an adoptive parent can do for their child is to listen and not invalidate.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It looks like my post triggered some important memories for you — thank you for sharing your perspective as an adoptee. My son’s definitely going through a transition where adoption is less of a happy story and more trying to figure things out. Unfortunately, things are never easy to figure out, especially at 11.
You’re right, this is not about me. My post was only intended to share the pain I’m feeling as T-man moves through this stage. He carries his own pain, and this snapshot of one evening does not show the full picture of our lives together. But I do thank you for speaking up for him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“It looks like my post triggered some important memories for you — thank you for sharing your perspective as an adoptee”
It didn’t actually trigger anything. I think my parents did a great job actually and I realise that more and more every day the longer I spend online. They didn’t sweat the “real mom” thing and they never gave us a shopping list of what a “mom” was, they just were “mom and dad”.
“and this snapshot of one evening does not show the full picture of our lives together.”
Actually, I did read your other adoption posts and I understand that you have a loving relationship. Regardless, it doesn’t help an adoptee to tell them what “moms” do. If my mom had done so, I would have felt that she was feeling insecure and I would then have felt the need to protect her. I am thainkful that she never did so.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Also, I am in reunion with extended bfamily saidly my bmother passed away. I have complicated feelings about her myself. By all accounts, she was a loving kind woman. If I had ever met her and we had an ongoing relationship, I don’t know what I would have called her. Who knows, I might have ended up calling her mom too. And I know my amom would have known that that didn’t meant I was taking anything away from her. It would have just meant I loved two moms 🙂 In the end, it is up to the adoptee what he or she wants to call his parents both adoptive and biological. The adoptee needs to be allowed to define their own relationships.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It sounds like you have a wonderful adoptive family and now are lucky enough to have the chance to meet your birth family. I’m sorry for your loss; I’m sure you would have liked having the chance to spend time with your birthmother.
I fully understand your point that T-man needs to feel free to explore his feelings and define his relationships. Since we’re on the internet you have nothing but my word that I’m not forcing a “mom” shopping list on him; I was expressing my feelings, just as he is allowed to express his. Every adoption story is different, as I’m sure you know, but out of respect for my son I cannot share any more information about his story here.
Thank you for visiting my blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes I have a wonderful family and also a wonderful bfamily and that can be complicating in itself. I read your post entitled “ouch” and can see that you do acknowledge that your son might have complicated feelings. And sometimes adoptees have to have two conflicting feelings at the same time, i.e. they love their afamily and want to be with them but also love their bfamily and want to be with them. Sometimes it would be nice if there really were alternate universes so one could experience two lives at the same time lol.
I know you meant well but perhaps it might still be a good idea for you to go back and read what you said to your son and think how you would feel if that was said to you. And I still think what I said earlier: “I think you now need to have a proper two way conversation with him. Perhaps you could say to him something like “I was so busy defining what I felt a mom was that I never stopped to listen to your feelings. I’m ready to listen now”.” is still worth you thinking about.
Anyway, good luck. Your son sounds like a lovely young man.
LikeLike
As an adoptee I read every word of her two posts and found nothing wrong with what she said. Again, when you have kids come talk to us about your experiences then.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for sharing your perspective on this, OM. It helps to hear from adoptees who’ve moved through these stages and come out the other side.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Please don’t try to speak for “all adoptees.” You sound dumb when you do that. As for this post and this woman trying to “clarify” the relationship she has with her child THAT is a good thing. You sound very young. When you have kids maybe you will understand.
LikeLike
“the best thing an adoptive parent can do” that is an ignorant statement. How would you know the best thing to do in this situation? Are you an adopted parent?
LikeLike
Can you really disagree with the rest of the sentence, Opinionated Man? I said “the best thing an adoptive parent can do” is “to listen and not invalidate”. If I said ” “the best thing a PERSON can do” is “to listen and not invalidate” would you necessarily disagree with me?
I disagreed with what Laura did in this case which I’m entitled to do. On the whole, after reading her other posts, I think she is doing a pretty good job.
LikeLike
Bless you, I know that hurt, but he’s a strong and smart child and you want him to think for himself and I know that this is a process that he’ll work through and just do your best to guide him, like you do with everything else. He’ll get there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the kind words. I’m tucking them away for encouragement! 🙂
LikeLike
Give him time? Still a kid, as he gets older he will fully understand and appreicate the real meaning of mom. You did great explaining to him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I know I didn’t appreciate my own mom for a number of years in there…payback, maybe? 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, most likely. He will look back and be terribly sorry he said that..
LikeLike
Well, I think we say a lot of things as children that aren’t true in the long run. I’m good as long as love comes out on top!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for visiting, Jarrod. Adoption can definitely throw a wrench in the family dynamics. It’s hard because I understand his confusion — he’s 11 and has to be thinking about where he came from — but I can’t seem to grasp how he wouldn’t feel like part of the family…
LikeLike
Very interesting read. The element of adoption has so many factors. After investing so much time and emotion in a child, I can see why you would not want to be just a caregiver.
LikeLiked by 1 person
you did grand.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Jim. I’m still worn out by the whole thing…I came out of his room & told my husband, and he asked “You really SAID all those things?!” and I was all “Hell yes!” He’s not a toddler anymore.
LikeLiked by 1 person