The Illustrious Bucket List.

I hear a lot of people talk about theirs – that list of remarkable, life changing things they want to do before they die.  I’m sure I must have a few myself, but thanks to Fat Mum Slim on Pinterest I can’t get the flip side out of my head.  (Yes, it’s true, I wandered onto that site populated by Martha Stewart devotees.  In December.  I must have lost my mind.)  

At any rate, I’ve become obsessed with my Anti-Bucket List…the things I fervently hope never to do before I die.

And so, without further ado, a short list of things I would be more than happy to die without experiencing:

  1. Performing the Heimlich maneuver.  I used to say one of my main goals was to get my kids through their early years without needing to save them from choking to death.  I’ve since expanded this to any Heimlich maneuver, for anyone, ever.
  2. Eating turnip greens.  Or sardines.  Or blood sausage (shudder).
  3. Wearing 3-inch heels (or higher).  For any reason whatsoever.
  4. Using my nonexistent MacGyver skills to do one of those emergency tracheotomies with a pocketknife, pen, and whatever liquor is on hand .
  5. Another moped accident in which a large percentage of my epidermis is left on the pavement and my jaw ends up in anything other than its current condition.
  6. Snakes.  Handling them, being bitten by one, needing to remove one from the garage, killing one to save a cat/dog/guinea pig…let’s just say “snakes, ad infinitum” and assume that covers the gamut.
  7. The great outdoors during single-digit weather.
  8. Eradicating a lice invasion.  (I know, I know…a totally normal part of childhood…but the thought of all the work it takes to get rid of those buggers!  Sheesh!!)
  9. Skydiving.  I may talk big about my one-and-done philosophy, but there are certain activities that will never even make it to the “one” level.  Case in point: skydiving.
  10. And, falling under the TMI category, a Brazilian.  Just…no.  For oh-so-many reasons, no.


(This is only a partial list of things I passionately hope to avoid.  I reserve the right to add, amend, expound upon, or alter this list at any time.)