I’ve gained an intimate understanding of the space-time continuum over the last couple of years, which is really pretty remarkable given my track record with science stuff.
Based on my own (highly unscientific) observations, approximately 89.5% of extremely personal conversations with my children take place while in the car. Furthermore, when that topic of conversation is sex, the effects of the Special Theory of Relativity are 99.7% more noticeable.
That is to say, an object in motion actually experiences time at a slower rate than an object at rest (which is sure as hell how it feels when you’re trapped in the driver’s seat getting peppered with questions about puberty and reproduction).*
That phenomenon was on major display during this week’s Wednesday night shuffle:
I bring both kids from home and drop Bear at the office. BrightSide pops her in his car, picks up Subway, and she eats on the way to basketball practice. Meanwhile, T-man comes with me for choir practice before we head back home for dinner. I’m told that at some point these children will grow into teenagers, ones that we’ll (supposedly) trust to stay home alone, and these auto acrobatics will end.
But for now, we’ve got plenty of car talks going on. So on Wednesday we were on the way to meet BrightSide when this went down:
Bear – Mom, I’ve got a body question.
me – Well, okay then. Shoot.
Bear – When you do it, do you keep having babies? Or do you have to keep doing it to have them?
me – Okay…well, first of all, are we talking about sex?
Bear – Yes.
me – Okay, but if we’re going to talk about sex then you should really be able to say the word ‘sex’, right?
Bear – Okay.
Me – (I’m now out of time since I used all my stall skills on vocabulary.) Right. Okay. Hold on while I turn your question around in my head for a minute…
(Insert Jeopardy music here. Or awkward silence. Whatever.)
Me – Okay, first I’m going to answer the question I think you’re asking. Every baby comes from sex. (Oops. Dammit. Well, we’ll revisit IVF and the rest later on.) So you can’t have sex once and then have a series of children. Every time someone wants a baby, there’s sex involved. Now if you’re asking if every time you have sex then you have a baby, no, it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes people have to try for a while before they get pregnant.
Full Disclosure: I’ll admit I’m often flying by the seat of my pants in these scenarios. The whole openness thing…I do it, but it isn’t exactly a natural inclination. The result can be that sometimes words start spilling out of my mouth faster than my brain can process them. Such as in this instance.
Me – I mean, sometimes women do get pregnant the first time they have sex, so you have to remember that, but when people say they’re trying to have a baby it’s really another way of saying they’re having lots of sex, because we know that’s what it takes to have a baby. (OH MY GOD, STOP TALKING NOW.)
Me – Does that answer your question?
Bear – Yes.
Me – Great. Good talk.