I doubt it will come as any great surprise that I’ve spent most of my life fudging my way through doctors’ appointments. Not out-and-out lying per se, just a wee bit of…softening around the edges when it came to answering the standard questions.
I know I’m probably horrifying those in the medical industry – sorry for the rude Monday morning awakening – but the thing is I already knew I should be doing better. Frankly, I just didn’t feel like being taken to task for making poor choices.
Plus as far as crappy behavior goes I figured eating too many potato chips and not going to the gym ranked below recreational drug use, so there you go.
When last month rolled around it brought with it the joy of my annual physical. I guess that whole embrace the truth movement had taken hold because the nurse got nothing from me but honesty. Which in all likelihood must have been a little startling.
Let’s check your weight. Oh, let’s. I’m so delighted I get to do this while wearing jeans and boots, because watching the numbers flash by at home isn’t distressing enough. Let’s add a few more pounds of clothing to the record, shall we?
Do you exercise regularly? In years past my answer for this question has morphed from “yes” to “most weeks” to “I try.” This year? That question earned a big old Nope. The nurse just blinked at me for a moment. To her credit she recovered quickly, but there was a second there when I could watch her struggle to process my response.
Do you eat a well-balanced diet? HA! Seriously? Do you have any idea what I’m up against? Let’s pretend I’m not juggling a dozen balls and that I actually make it to the end of the day with enough energy to cook. Eating a well-balanced diet would require me to have all the necessary ingredients in the house to create well-balanced meals, plus I’d have to endure whatever nonsense the kids threw at me for torturing them with vegetables. Just the thought makes me tired. But then again, maybe that’s the crappy nutrition talking.
Do you do monthly breast exams? Nope. I know I’m supposed to. I know it’s important. I also know I don’t remember to do it. Now you know, too.
Do you use alcohol? Are you serious?! I’ve got two kids, a crazy life, and a dog slowly trying to drive me insane. Yes, I use alcohol. Next question?