Let’s talk about men.
(Oops. I just heard the click of a half dozen browsers being closed. Hold on, fellas! I promise this isn’t a bash party, just a bit of observation.)
I’m actually a little shocked that I’ve been blogging for over a year now and haven’t yet created a tag for men. I mean, what’s that about? Kids and adoption and dogs getting all the attention while men sit on the back burner.
What say we pull those buns off that heat and put them under the microscope, hmmm?
I was doing some good old fashioned brainstorming the other week – that kind where you sit down with pen and paper and just scribble ideas until the timer goes off – when a painfully obvious thought came to me. Men, like women, are not all the same.
I know, y’all, it’s a shocker. Just take a moment to compose yourselves.
Fellows as a whole are a diverse bunch, but it occurred to me that there are definitely subcategories into which many men fall.
Without further ado, here are just a few of them:
* So Chill Even His Goosebumps Have Goosebumps. This guy walks around in an impermeable bubble. Nothing riles him, nothing gets his goat, nothing freaks him out. One of his kids crashed his car? He’s just glad the kid’s okay. House accidentally burned down? Well, that’s why you have insurance. He’s so chill it’s ten degrees cooler wherever he’s standing.
* Hypermanic (aka Squirrel! Squirrel! Gotta wash the car tomorrow. Squirrel!). This is the guy you want on your committee when the deadline’s looming and you’re looking at several all-nighters. He functions best with structure – all that energy can make him slightly unfocused at times – but if you can harness this force of nature he’ll do the work of several team members. He’s like the Energizer Bunny. After eight espressos.
* Tao Dude. On the surface, Tao Dude may closely resemble So Chill guy. Both seem as if they’d roll with just about anything without getting ruffled. So Chill guy achieves this with his unique bubble, cutting through life’s messiness like a warm knife through butter. Tao Dude uses an entirely different approach, though. He literally submerges himself in the messiness, becomes one with the clutter and chaos, and simply moves with the flow of the universe. Because he’s attuned to the world’s natural essence things like perfect parking places often fall into his lap as some sort of karmic reward. This can occasionally be annoying; it also can be quite useful.
* The Walking Google Calendar. This guy is on point. He never misses an appointment or a deadline. He schedules poker night with the boys, plans date night with his loved ones, and is captain of his softball team. He usually looks like he belongs on the cover of a GQ magazine, and even though he drives a convertible there’s never a hair out of place.
* Arnold Schwarzenegger Is My Hero. The muscle man is unmistakeable. He hits the gym for 5:00am workouts, pumping free weights until his veins pop. He and his beefy friends loyally support the tank top industry, displaying their biceps (and sweaty pits) for all to admire. You have to appreciate his commitment, but to hang with this guy you’ll need to commit yourself to the same level of fitness enthusiasm. Goodbye, secret stash of potato chips. Hello, protein shakes.
* Pigpen’s Rumpled Cousin. Simply put, it’s a miracle this guy functions in the world every day. He’s sporting two days’ worth of stubble because he ran out of razors. His socks have a slight musty odor and every single shirt is wrinkled. He doesn’t own a suit; on the rare occasions he has to dress up his only pair of khakis are from 1982 and have pleated front panels. He owns a velcro wallet crammed full of receipts, movie stubs, concert tickets, and an ancient condom but refuses to install a calendar app on his phone. You’re not surprised to learn that he’s living in his parents’ basement.
And those are just the ones off the top of my head. Did I miss any? What types of men do you see where you live?