We were busy getting ready to head to the lake. There were meals to plan and clothes to pack and dogs to prep for boarding, so naturally BrightSide and I were sitting on the couch getting ready to watch a DVD.
You’ll have to trust me when I say that sounds way more exciting than it actually was.
We’d settled in to watch [overly excited game show host voice] “Congratulations on becoming the brand new owners of a Yamaha WaveRunner! Here is your instructional DVD.”
Anyone who reads along with the One-and-Done series knows there are certain experiences I have vowed not to repeat. For example, one of the precursor posts to One-and-Done shared the extremely eventful Martha’s Vineyard visit where Laura + moped = disaster. You can bet your sweet honey buns you won’t catch my fanny gracing a two-wheeled motorized vehicle again…
Well, I have to say that Jet Skis or Wave Runners or “personal water craft” of any kind strike me as just a wee bit similar to motorcycles, what with the general design and their ability to streak along the water like a bat out of hell. So why, one might wonder, would I ever agree to get on one of those things?
Yet there I was, sitting on the couch next to BrightSide, working hard to look nonchalant as I halfway watched the Very Important Instructional DVD and registered random thoughts such as:
- Where on earth did they find the actor for this thing? He looks like an animatronic Ken with a bad spray tan.
- This guy’s decked out head to toe. According to our instructional DVD, appropriate personal water craft garb (quite coincidentally stamped everywhere with “yamaha”) includes a wet suit, gloves, and water shoes. We’ll be aiming for, oh, I don’t know…ample swimwear. Anything else is a bonus.
- Then again, the rationale behind a wet suit’s protection was rather compelling. Any time animatronic Ken is flying across the water, wind wildly tossing his hair, while a narrator warns that appropriate clothing will protect the rider’s bodily openings such as a vagina and rectum from injury in case of ejection from the water craft, well…one does tend to sit up and take notice.
- Life jackets. Duh.
- The helmet disclaimer is, frankly, a riot. “A helmet can be an important piece of safety equipment for anyone on the water and can help prevent injury in some situations. However, keep in mind that a helmet can actually cause injury in certain circumstances. Consider carefully whether you should wear a helmet while riding recreationally.” Way to cover your ass, bro.
- The narrator then reviews a list of items you should take while riding a personal water craft, and I’m struck by the image of packing out like a Boy Scout. Trust me when I say if that WaveRunner breaks down somewhere or I get thrown overboard, having a folding paddle or flashlight in its compartment probably won’t suppress my OH MY GOD, I’M GONNA DIE ALL ALONE OUT HERE freakout moment.
You’ll be happy to hear I survived the maiden voyage on the WaveRunner over the weekend. Was I a little uncomfortable with the speed factor of racing along the water? Uh huh. Did I tilt ever so slightly toward panic mode while heading into a turn? Hell yeah. Did I want to throttle BrightSide as he raced up alongside me with T-man on his craft, causing Bear to shriek into my ear, “HE’S GONNA PASS US, MOM! DON’T LET THEM PASS US!!”?
Yes. Yes, I did.
And yet, here I am to tell the tale. This mama thing ain’t for wimps.