animatronic Ken, WaveRunners, and the compelling argument for wet suits

We were busy getting ready to head to the lake.  There were meals to plan and clothes to pack and dogs to prep for boarding, so naturally BrightSide and I were sitting on the couch getting ready to watch a DVD.

You’ll have to trust me when I say that sounds way more exciting than it actually was.

We’d settled in to watch [overly excited game show host voice] “Congratulations on becoming the brand new owners of a Yamaha WaveRunner!  Here is your instructional DVD.”

Whoop.  Whoop.

Anyone who reads along with the One-and-Done series knows there are certain experiences I have vowed not to repeat.  For example, one of the precursor posts to One-and-Done shared the extremely eventful Martha’s Vineyard visit where Laura + moped = disaster.  You can bet your sweet honey buns you won’t catch my fanny gracing a two-wheeled motorized vehicle again…

Well, I have to say that Jet Skis or Wave Runners or “personal water craft” of any kind strike me as just a wee bit similar to motorcycles, what with the general design and their ability to streak along the water like a bat out of hell.  So why, one might wonder, would I ever agree to get on one of those things?

Why indeed.

Yet there I was, sitting on the couch next to BrightSide, working hard to look nonchalant as I halfway watched the Very Important Instructional DVD and registered random thoughts such as:

  • Where on earth did they find the actor for this thing?  He looks like an animatronic Ken with a bad spray tan.
  • This guy’s decked out head to toe.  According to our instructional DVD, appropriate personal water craft garb (quite coincidentally stamped everywhere with “yamaha”) includes a wet suit, gloves, and water shoes.  We’ll be aiming for, oh, I don’t know…ample swimwear.  Anything else is a bonus.
  • Then again, the rationale behind a wet suit’s protection was rather compelling.  Any time animatronic Ken is flying across the water, wind wildly tossing his hair, while a narrator warns that appropriate clothing will protect the rider’s bodily openings such as a vagina and rectum from injury in case of ejection from the water craft, well…one does tend to sit up and take notice.
  • Life jackets.  Duh.
  • The helmet disclaimer is, frankly, a riot.  “A helmet can be an important piece of safety equipment for anyone on the water and can help prevent injury in some situations. However, keep in mind that a helmet can actually cause injury in certain circumstances. Consider carefully whether you should wear a helmet while riding recreationally.”  Way to cover your ass, bro.
  • The narrator then reviews a list of items you should take while riding a personal water craft, and I’m struck by the image of packing out like a Boy Scout.  Trust me when I say if that WaveRunner breaks down somewhere or I get thrown overboard, having a folding paddle or flashlight in its compartment probably won’t suppress my OH MY GOD, I’M GONNA DIE ALL ALONE OUT HERE freakout moment.

You’ll be happy to hear I survived the maiden voyage on the WaveRunner over the weekend. Was I a little uncomfortable with the speed factor of racing along the water?  Uh huh.  Did I tilt ever so slightly toward panic mode while heading into a turn?  Hell yeah.  Did I want to throttle BrightSide as he raced up alongside me with T-man on his craft, causing Bear to shriek into my ear, “HE’S GONNA PASS US, MOM!  DON’T LET THEM PASS US!!”?

Yes.  Yes, I did.

And yet, here I am to tell the tale.  This mama thing ain’t for wimps.

One thought on “animatronic Ken, WaveRunners, and the compelling argument for wet suits

  1. Pingback: gratitude: we’re gonna do WHAT now?! | Riddle from the Middle

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