Time for another peek inside my head. It can get a little squirrelly in there (don’t believe me? you can check out “take a peek, part 2” here)…just hang on for the ride.
This one will be full on rant.
So I know the mother bond is supposed to be life changing. A birthmother’s strength in sacrifice, an adoptive mother’s steadfast love…two women coming together to create a life for a child that rings strong and true. When you look at it that way the whole thing sounds rather kumbaya.
Man, real life can get messy.
Because you know what tips me over the cliff in a heartbeat? I mean something that rates a blood boiling, heart rate accelerating, steam rising from my head sort of response?
When T-man’s birthmother questions my motives or decisions while raising this child.
It’s all well and good to have your own life stuff going on – don’t we all? – but you have for real got to separate that shit out from the relationship we are working so hard to maintain here.
Just like I have no idea what it’s like to walk in her shoes, she has absolutely no idea what it’s like to parent this child. To be there for him, day after day, no matter what he throws at me. To double down when I’m ready to give up because this parenting thing can be so freaking hard and nobody can prepare you for the endless grind of it all.
That parenting a child is nothing like childbirth. Bringing a baby into this world is full of highs and lows and God knows what else, but raising up a human being can be an in the trenches, gunfire blazing, waiting for the next bomb to drop sort of experience that rolls right over you. And all you can do is bob to the top to wait for the next wave.
So don’t tell me I’m being selfish or on a power trip or we’ve used you or whatever other bullshit you’re peddling today. I’ve got my hands full here and don’t have time to teach you how to disagree respectfully.
I don’t need kumbaya…but I do need an adult relationship.
And that’s my peek for today.
Thanks for this today, Laura. This is a battle I fight with my ex husband, who moved hundreds of miles away and takes his teenagers when it is convenient for him without considering their needs or life or even their feelings. He questions everything I do, but hasn’t actually *parented* the children a day in his life. Ever. You are not alone, my friend. I am right there with you. Thank you for putting words to the struggle.
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Crazy as it sounds, it helps to know we’re not alone. I’ve often looked at this like maintaining a relationship after divorce…not easy, but important for the kids. Now if everyone else would just get on board! Sheesh! Keep on keeping on…we’ve got this.
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