I’ve never really bought into this saying, mostly because in my experience the quality of a man has very little to do with garments.  An asshole is an asshole, in ragged jeans or Brooks Brothers, and I’ve never been much for putting up with jerks just because they dress nice.

But we’re gonna put that skepticism aside for the sake of the blog.  ‘Cause, y’know, creativity and stuff.

So, in the spirit of tongue-in-cheek snarkiness, let us take a look at men’s fashion.  Specifically, What Your Clothes Say About You.

Tailor-Made Suit.

A man of precision and refinement, you are extraordinarily detail oriented and clearly have cash to burn.  (As someone who’s ruined more clothes than I’d care to admit, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around paying $1500 to $6000 for one outfit I’ll inevitably destroy via clumsiness. But to each their own.)  You’re happy to invest the equivalent of a car’s down payment into a single article of clothing, finding joy in the sleek fit of a suit tailored specifically for your body.

Each time you enter a room, you ENTER a room.  Heads turn, women do a double take, men try to figure out the aura of je ne sais quoi enveloping you.  You command an audience, and you’re okay with a level of scrutiny that would make the average introvert long for instantaneous death.

Abercrombie & Fitch

Even your casual wear screams Dreamy Model Strolling Through a Small New England Town.  You rock a button down like mad, and it’s common for a classic cardigan to complete the outfit.  Just because you’re dressing down (which inexplicably involves neither yoga pants nor ancient t-shirts) doesn’t mean you can’t look like you just stepped off the pages of a catalog.  You care about making a good impression, even in your off hours, and you’re willing to pay for it.  Even a basic tee hits your wallet like an afternoon at the movies.

L.L. Bean

L.L. Bean devotees are a loyal group, and once you drink the Kool Aid your closet quickly becomes an homage to their catalog.  Styles vary from rugged outdoorsmen to polished boating enthusiast, and friends can easily picture you enjoying clam bakes or late night bonfires.  L.L. Bean offerings range from fleece to cashmere, so this category covers a wide range of men.  Rough and tumble hiker/rock climber/fisherman?  Check.  Conservative businessman on a weekend jaunt?  Check.  Guy who always looks like he has his $#@! together?  Double check.

dark denim jeans with a crease

You try to dress down, without embracing the down.  Putting on denim is your concession to the request for casual attire; maintaining a crease in your jeans is the I’m dying to wear khakis flag flying.  You have a hard time kicking back and doing absolutely nothing.  Those around you might be admiring your snappy outfit, but they’re also dying to know if you actually ironed your jeans to make that crease so razor sharp.

broken in Levis

More than simply casual, you’re the epitome of Laid Back.  Jeans hang low on your hips since you don’t believe in belts, and you’re most likely sporting a ridiculously soft t-shirt. To dress up you’ll throw a button down on over the tee and voilà – done!  Sneakers or birks typically round out your attire (comfort is king!), but you’re willing to don boat shoes when the occasion requires.  Regardless of the occasion, you emit an attitude of it’s all cool no matter what happens, so you’re pretty handy to have around in a pinch.

sweats, hole-y tees, and muscle shirts

You are the poster boy for I don’t give two $#@!s today.  You’re either blissfully unaware of other people’s reactions or you truly don’t care what they think.  This is evidenced by your willingness to eat in public while wearing a shirt exposing your pits.  The time you gain from not worrying about coordinating an outfit is lost to channel surfing or pounding beers with your buds.  (Not to be confused with hanging out drinking beer with your buds, which is a totally respectable pastime.)  Receiving an invitation that requires appropriate clothing (i.e. something that buttons, pants with a zipper, and proper shoes) launches a search mission that rivals a PMSing woman’s quest for chocolate.

And there you have it…my extremely unscientific rundown of personality analysis by way of men’s fashion.  Have I left anyone out?  Feel free to add your own fashion breakdowns in the comments.