I’ve been privy to a few friends’ bucket lists, an account of things they hope to experience before departing this dear earth of ours. They’re pretty interesting activities or goals they’d like to achieve, and sure, I’ve got some aspirations of my own…but today I’m looking at my anti–bucket list.
Without further ado, here are just a few things I have absolutely no interest in experiencing before I die.
1. Broken bones or itchy casts.
Okay, technically I did let the doctors break my jaw and reset it during elective surgery. And then there was that time they broke a bone in my foot during (you guessed it) elective surgery. But I’ve never had any kind of accidental injury that resulted in an impromptu trip to the ER and an annoying cast, and I never want to.
2. Flipping a car.
I’ve been in more than my fair share of car accidents (which, now that I reread that, sounds kind of bad). Fender benders, parking lot bumps, driving into a grassy median, and taking a direct hit to the passenger side are all moments I’ve had the joy of enduring. What I haven’t done is flipped a car. Been in a wreck so bad that when you come to the world is upside down and you’re wondering why you’re suspended midair. This, I believe, would not sit well with me and just might convince me that I’m not meant to participate in the world of motor transportation.
3. Being in an accident while my children are in the car.
I’m going to say right off the bat that I’m talking about a moving vehicle accident. That time T-man opened his door into a car pulling into the space next to us? Totally doesn’t count. (Although his complete and utter freakout afterward only solidified this item’s position on the anti-bucket list.)
I truly cannot fathom how terrifying this sort of experience would be. Any kind of accident rattles me, but once I start imagining the kids in the car then the possibilities spiral quickly out of control. How scared are they? What if they’re hurt? What if I’m hurt? Will I be able to get to them quickly enough? And on and on and on…this is one I just can’t think about because the worry alone is enough to drive me to the edge and back.
4. Fighting off a bear.
Granted, this is a highly unlikely occurrence given my aforementioned disdain for camping, but whatever…I have bear encounter knowledge that I never, ever want to actually use in this lifetime. EVER. That also goes for snakes, gigantic spiders, angry llamas, rabid foxes, and any animal hailing from the large cat family.
5. Performing an emergency medical intervention on either one of these children.
Seriously, folks, I for real do not want to see my kid choking to death and have to fight my way past panic to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Or CPR. Oh Lord, CPR. Just the thought of pulling my kid out of a pool and trying to restart his heart freaks me out. This is the stuff of nightmares.
6. Being trapped underground or on an elevator.
Yeah. Just go ahead and shoot me ’cause the heart attack is inevitable anyway.
7. Owning a pair of four inch Christian Louboutin heels.
Putting aside the concept of $700 for a pair of shoes (if you can), there is no way on God’s green earth I’m putting myself through walking on stilts like that. A) It would inevitably lead to a horrible tumble, putting me at real risk for #1 on the anti-bucket list. B) I don’t care what you say – there is no designer or material on the planet that could possibly make a comfortable four inch heel.
‘But what about the people who say you get what you pay for’ you ask? ‘What about the diehard Louboutin fans who swear his shoes feel fabulous?’ Simple. They lie.
8. Getting caught up in a Jack Bauer-like international crisis.
High speed car chases, suicide bombs, espionage, kidnapping, torture, and jumping off of tall buildings are very high on my Hell No list, thank you very much. I will stay right here in my own crazy corner of the world and leave that über wild stuff to the adrenaline junkies.