Now don’t get me wrong, school’s cool and all. Chemistry teaches our kids about elements, chemicals, and the periodic table. Earth science teaches them geology, oceanography, and meteorology. Biology covers the study of life and living organisms. That’s a whole lot of science knowledge right there.
But there’s something lacking. I think a certain level of education in the Laws of the Universe would do kids good before they head out into the big bad world. Now all we need is a strong curriculum proposal.
[Disclaimer: The scientific data contained herein are my own estimations and should not be considered hard and fast facts. Ever. As in, if you quote them to an actual scientist or statistician, they’ll most likely fall down laughing. You’ve been warned.]
** The odds of a catastrophic accident increase in direct correlation to your departure time for an appointment. Now, catastrophic doesn’t always mean catastrophic, but when you’re within minutes of missing your dentist appointment or losing the only spare hour of time you have to get your hair done? Any delay is a bad delay. Fender bender. Flat tire. Coffee spilled down your shirt. Blown out diapers. All 98.7% more likely to happen if you’re running ten minutes late.
** The cumulative amount of dog hair shed daily, if gathered and rolled into a fluffy hair ball, will be roughly the size of a chihuahua. Two chihuahuas if the dog of origin is over 80 pounds. Additionally, it will appear to be the equivalent of three tiny yappers once spread across your black trousers or dress.
** The rate at which nail polish chips is proportional to how much money you spend on the manicure and how much you love the color.
** Finding a bra that is both comfortable and reasonably priced means there is a 86.4% chance that it will be discontinued within a year. If you’re lucky enough to stumble across a black market hidden stash, the bra will then cost three times as much and most likely arrive with a defect causing it to dissolve in the wash.
** The acceleration time to a DEFCON 1 tantrum is dependant upon a number of factors. Time of day, amount of sleep deprivation, and blood sugar levels all influence a toddler’s psychological stability as well as volume level. Three o’clock without an afternoon nap might net you a DEFCON 4 fuss, while a late night sleepover filled with sugary cake and snacks could crank it up to DEFCON 2. But the trifecta of the five o’clock witching hour, stuffy nose that prevents decent sleep, skips dinner to have ice cream with grandpa then returns home for bedtime? That will earn you a DEFCON 1 meltdown of epic proportions. Get the video camera ready…we’re talking blackmail material for years.
** Number of items dropped in the average lifetime = 1,728. With luck the majority of these will be inanimate and unbreakable objects. Approximately .005% of these will be living creatures – minimize the human ratio by using both hands for babies. Approximately .5% will be breakable, marginally increasing your chance of slicing a foot open while juggling dishes or tripping over pets.
** More than three-quarters of dog owners appreciate the similarities between children and canines. If you were to comment on said similarities, though, there is a 54% chance you’ll find yourself facing an outraged parent who finds such a comparison reprehensible. There’s a 99.9% chance this person will not be a dog owner.
Now all the universities have to do is develop their programs and come up with a name for a real world expert in Laws of the Universe. A bachelor’s in Real Life Stats. A master’s in Statistical Living. One might write her thesis on the analytical relationship between children, weather, and time altering events.
The possibilities are endless.