Do you know what’s coming up?!

No, what’s coming up?

The fifth grade class on bodies and stuff!

“Bodies and stuff”?  So you’re gonna talk about bodies and…sports?  Hobbies?  Star Wars?

NO!  Like, BODIES.  They separate the boys and the girls, and the boys have to go with Mr. H. [the assistant principal] and he’s gonna talk to us about…[dramatic pause] like, penises and stuff.

Really?  You say that like you might burst into flame or something.

Ah, the dreaded fifth grade talk.  Is there anything more tragic for an eleven year old than sitting in a room with his or her classmates, listening to an adult they know talk about puberty? Not according to my kids.  T-man survived his and he’s already priming Bear for the dreadful day when she’ll be herded off with the girls to discuss womanly things.

Oh, the horror.

Honestly, in all these years you’d think schools would have figured out they really need to bring in guest speakers for this particular talk.  Fifth graders are already distressed by the topic…add in the fact that they’re stuck in a room with the P.E. teacher or A.P. they see each day and boom! Welcome to the most painfully awkward sixty minutes of your life.

Now, it’s been quite a few years since I endured my own trial by fire, but I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of what’s going on in these classrooms.

Okay, girls, today we’re going to talk about your bodies and the changes you’ll be going through in the next few years.  It’s a wonderful time, when you begin your transformation from a girl into a woman.

{omg, is she going to make this sound like some kind of butterfly thing?  Lame!  SO lame!}

These are very important changes.  The way your body develops is what will eventually make the miracle of birth possible.

{BIRTH?  Like, a BABY?!  Ugh.}

Let’s begin.


Alright, guys, settle down….settle down.  Settle Down!  It’s time to get started.  I know a lot of you might be uncomfortable talking about this, but we’re covering some important things today.

{class clown: Yeah!  Our balls!}

Okay, that’s enough.  Your bodies are changing right now, changing pretty fast, and we’re going to talk about what you can expect.  You’re already experiencing some of the earliest changes. That pungent odor when you come in from recess?  Yep, that’s puberty.

{class bully: Smell my pits, man!}

Okay then…


The first sign that your hormones are changing is when your perspiration begins to smell – that’s why proper hygiene is so important for all of you now, so remember to shower every day and use deodorant.  You’ll begin to develop breasts…

{oh man…dying here…}

At first they’ll be small buds but they’ll grow in size over the next year or so –

{class clown: Booby McBoobster!}

– and then you’ll grow pubic hair.


A growth spurt will hit and you’ll begin to store fat around your breasts, hips, and thighs –


– giving you a more womanly shape.

{Okay, so which part of this ISN’T going to suck?}


You’re going to see an enlargement of the testicles –


{Deez Nuts!}


Yes, yes, there are plenty of slang terms for testicles.  You’ll sprout pubic hair –


– before experiencing a growth spurt, and your voice is going to start cracking as it changes to become deeper.  Coarse, curly hair will sprout just above your penis –

{hysterical laughter}

– and on your scrotum –

{awww, dude!}

– then under your arms and in the beard area.


Dark, curly hair will appear on your vagina –

{omg, she is NOT going to talk about the big V}

– and then later will grow under your arms.  After your body has fully developed you’ll begin menstruating, which you’re probably heard called ‘getting your period.’

{well, DUH}

Most girls menstruate every 21 to 28 days.  This will look like blood flowing from the vagina –


– but it’s perfectly normal and should not worry you.  Your period will last about seven days –

{Seven DAYS?  You mean I’m going to bleed for a whole WEEK?!  That sucks!}

– but you can handle the blood flow using maxi pads or tampons.

{You have GOT to be kidding me.}


The penis –


– and testes will get larger –


– and erections will become more frequent.  You’ll also begin ejaculating, sometimes even at night when you’re sleeping.

{Seriously.  Dude.  Is this class EVER going to end?}


The female body is an amazing thing, girls, and you should be proud of who you’re becoming. Now, does anyone have any questions?


{Ummm…can we go back to homeroom now?}


The important thing to remember is that everyone moves through puberty at their own pace.  You can’t hurry things along; when it’s time for your body to change, it will.  And that’s about it.  Any questions?

{SHEESH, no!  Just let us get back to class!}