Yesterday’s post was another chronicle of Gracie’s exploits, the nuttiness she pulls with edibles and inedibles alike. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to her domino days; I only realize we’re in for one once I’m on my third GRACIE!
Yet it’s recently been brought to my attention that Gracie is five, count ’em, five years old. (Time flies.) One would think that kind of age would settle her down a bit, but nope…she’s still a live wire. The kind that burns buildings to the ground.
This dog truly is precious, though, so I hate crating her every time I leave the house. But when I think about what it would take to really Gracie-proof the house? Phew. Who’s got this sort of time and energy?
** Level all bedroom/peripheral doors so they close and latch by default. If the door refuses to remain closed, install a combination locking device that requires opposable thumbs.
** Invest heavily in The Container Store since napkins, paper towels, tissues, and every conceivable paper product will need to be secured in a snap tight container. Rig the containers to emit loud, piercing beeps if left unsecured.
** Either file or shred immediately upon receipt all papers, fliers, junk mail, bills, and membership cards. If it’s irreplaceable, put it directly into the safe. Now.
** Clear all surfaces below six feet of any mouthable items. Well, of anything at all, just to be safe. Hell, consider putting bookcases, end tables, and other miscellaneous furniture on stilts. Then mount five foot chicken wire around each.
** Design an attractive adult version of child locks and secure all dog accessible cabinets. These will not necessarily be cabinets in rooms where the dogs live; assume children in your home will allow your dog access to any cabinet at floor level.
** Food items must be stored in a closed refrigerator, pantry, or cabinet at all times.
** Hire an electrician/security expert to wire the floor with sensors that will only register items weighing 20 pounds or less. When sensors are triggered, the dropped item will be spotlighted until retrieved and safely stowed away.
** Abandon the concept of socks entirely and embrace a life of flip flops and Birkenstocks.
** Run Gracie three miles daily and build an obstacle course in the yard for workouts morning and night.
Even with all this (and the twenty things I can’t think of right now) I guarantee this dog would still find a way to wreak havoc in our home. Guess I’ll just have to hang on ’til she hits the ripe old age of ten.