It’s a crazy world we live in, one filled with thorny situations and precarious plights.  I won’t wax poetic about navigating by the celestial heavens, mostly because I suck at both the compass rose and constellations, but I will say there are certainly times when a well-placed cautionary word can go a long way.  Times like these.

Humans are an accident prone species, though.  I figure we could use as much help as we can get.

Warning: Surging Hormones, Proceed with Caution

This sign should be a legal requirement outside any boy/girl party, but especially outside the first one.  Admittedly it’s been quite a few years since I had this particular experience, but I’d imagine the basic tenets are the same.  Stepping into a new world, one without the familiar parameters of lockers or classrooms, feeling like you’re fifty feet high and working without a net.  Toss in an explosive mix of estrogen, testosterone, and social media and you’ve got a situation ripe for mishaps.

Warning: Contents May Cause Irreparably Stupid Behavior

Forget the “Over 21” label.  This is the warning that needs to be plastered across the top of every single keg around the globe.  Maybe they could include pictures – getting arrested for a DUI, über sloppy drunk Snapchat photos, drunk dialing the ex, hanging an IV bag for alcohol poisoning.  There should be first person snippets: “A friend shaved my left eyebrow after I blacked out.”  “Mean girls posted pics of me passed out in somebody’s bed.”  “I got wasted on spring break and came back with a Tweety tattoo.”

Warning: Is It Urgent?  No?  Turn Back Now.

This.  On a six foot banner in enormous block lettering.  Posted above the Target doors during the local college move-in weekend.  ‘Nuff said.

Warning: Go Ahead and Buy Two.  Just Do It.

You’re picking up a spare something – reading glasses, house key, phone charger, flashlight – and as you stare at the display the thought flashes through your head, “I wonder if I should pick up an extra.”  Yes.  Just…yes.  The instant you unpack a spare “just in case” item at your house it will immediately disappear, either into the black hole that inhales all critical items or into someone else’s room when they realize they needed a spare one, too.

Warning: System Meltdown Imminent After Third Repeat Request

They make such adorable wall hangings these days…Love you to the moon and back.  Somebody special calls me mom.  Excuse the mess, we’re busy making memories.  All perfectly lovely sentiments, but I’m thinking the warning above might be a helpful reminder, too, just to keep kids aware of how close to the edge we walk each day.

“Can I have some ice cream?”  “Why can’t I get ice cream?”  “If I eat this green bean, then can I have ice cream?”  ACK.

“I want a phone.”  “When will I get a phone?  I’m old enough and everybody I know has one.”  “I really really really want a phone.  I’ll take good care of it.  I promise.”  ACK! ACK! ACK!

Warning: Do Not Enter Unless Prepared to Fall in Love

A sign that should be legally required on every shelter door in America.  Just try walking into one of those places and not falling in love with a furry face or two…it’s the quickest way to grow a family.

Which warnings have I missed so far?