I have a love/hate relationship with our cable company.  Most people I know do.  The monthly bills are too high, they charge for channels you don’t want, and the customer service generally sucks.  (Ironic, right?  Writing about a love/hate relationship the day before Valentine’s Day?  I’m contrary like that.)  

Unfortunately, like most of my friends, we’re in cahoots with these folks because of the dearth of other options available.  We keep going back and forth about ways to unplug, but it all comes back to one thing – internet access – and we just can’t seem to find a way around that one.

Well, BrightSide objects to losing access to live sporting events, too, but for me it’s all about the internet access.

Since outages are inevitable (along with interminably long waits while “repairmen are being dispatched to the area”), here is my contribution to sanity saving efforts in the community.  Or at least in your own house.

** 35 Things To Do When the Cable Goes Out **

Trim loose threads from old t-shirts.

Vacuum crumbs from the depths of your couch cushions.

Brush the dog’s teeth.  Floss, too, if you’re feeling particularly spunky.

Trim your bangs.

Make an appointment with your hairdresser to fix your bangs.

Clean gunk from beneath toenails.

Build a skyscraper using marshmallows and toothpicks.

Add a pasta mosaic to the skyscraper’s walls.

Watch the dog eat your skyscraper, marshmallow by marshmallow.

Polish your shoes.

Just kidding, no one has shoes to polish any more.  Go clean off the mud you accidentally stepped in taking the trash out in the dark.

Figure out where that weird smell in the kitchen is coming from.

(Yes, I know I just ended that one with a preposition.) 

Search for misplaced prepositions in your favorite book or magazine.

Clear out the expired cans and boxed snacks from your pantry.

Start a science experiment with any canned good that has dramatically changed from its original color.

Gather up all loose ends (gauze, masking tape, wraps, etc.) and make a mummy out of your youngest child.

Create an obstacle course for mummy child to traverse.  Make this more entertaining educational by offering chocolate if older siblings direct the mummy child with verbal cues.

Eat chocolate while hilarity ensues.

Draw mustaches on photos hidden in your attic of hubby’s old girlfriends.

Have children create Popsicle stick frames with “my almost-mommy” written on them.

Hide photo under hubby’s car seat so that it flies out when he hits the brakes.

Don’t forget a dashboard cam to capture the moment.

Give the dog a makeover.  Bubble bath, nail polish, tail braiding – the sky’s the limit.

Learn to knit.

Knit the dog a sweater and booties.

Perform a random spot check on the kids’ technology.  Read text messages and e-mails in front of them while mysteriously muttering “hmmm.”

Check their YouTube, Spotify, and Pandora playlists to determine your kids’ favorite songs.

Create embarrassing routines for each to perform the next time friends come over.  Bonus points for including the Wobble, Whip, Nae Nae, Cupid Shuffle, or Stanky Leg.

(Resist the urge to Twerk.  Seriously.  Just don’t.)

Clean the fireplace bricks with a toothbrush.

Invite Jehovah’s Witnesses in for coffee and an at length discussion of piercings acceptable to the Almighty.

Cook something that incorporates at least eight ingredients in your fridge.

Add copious amounts of Texas Pete to up the edible factor.

Make PB&J sandwiches when the kids refuse to even try it.

Test every pen for ink levels.

Call the cable company every thirty minutes.  Offer money, food, liquor, brownies…whatever it takes to get the cable restored ASAP.