For your reading delight on this Thursday morning:
“A snow day on a Monday is the ultimate parental kick in the crotch.” ~ Valerie
Snow days tweets by the parents that are all of us. Huffington Post, 2/9/17.
“Dear Ms. Johnson,
This law firm represents Ore Sebastian Johnson, your miner – correction, minor – son. You are hereby directed to cease and desist all defamation of Mr. Johnson’s character and reputation on social media. Mr. Johnson has cause to believe you have been spreading false and exaggerated rumors about him to family members, friendly women from the Trader Joe’s checkout line, and high school classmates who are now nothing more than schadenfreude units of measurement.”
“My daughter’s only 6 months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge but honestly, it’s complete garbage.” ~ Ryan Reynolds
“1. When you play any game, never keep score. If someone’s a winner, someone else has to be a loser, and you don’t want to teach your kid how to be a loser, do you? Losing in Chutes and Ladders has been known to cause a lifetime of failed marriages and binge eating.”
“Spelling is hard…But it’s even harder when you’re a kid and you don’t know that your spelling mistake might just make your spelling test or innocent note a little bit…inappropriate.
We all remember our favorite meth teacher.”
“So maybe you’ve been considering having a baby and you’re at that weird point in your life where you’re going, ‘Do I really want to have a baby right now? Or do I think I want a baby when what I really want is to watch seasons 1 through 3 of Game of Thrones?’ Do I want to create and be responsible for a human life from birth through early adulthood or do I want to see a show based on a George R.R. Martin fantasy novel?”
“Every child gets in trouble once in a while, usually for something like talking in class or being tardy again. But these 36 kids decided if you’re going to do it, go big or go home. Or rather, go big and go to detention.
We’ve all had this reaction: Proclaiming ‘Oh hell’ out loud upon receiving a returned exam paper.”
“A lot of people claim that adulthood is easy once you get the hang of it. Those people could just be liars. Or maybe being an adult isn’t that hard, and I’m the only one who still has to look up information like ‘Why do I have to drink water?’ What if I drink a lot of Cactus Cooler? Water is the main ingredient in my favorite beverage. I also consume a lot of milkshakes. Milk comes from cows, and cows drink water.”
“If you’ve ever spent more than, say, ten minutes with me, you’ll know that one of my greatest fears in life is that someone, somewhere may be the slightest bit hungry. I carry a big Mom-purse that usually has snacks in it. I have indestructible foodstuffs stashed in the glove compartment* of my car. In my office conference rooms there are large baskets of junk food. I have a drawer in my desk with canned goods and dehydrated proteins. I keep a jar of peanut butter around at all times. When away from home, one of the most important conversations to have at lunch is what to have for dinner and where.”
“See, I’m all for trying new things, but there is something I just need to put out there. A permission, of sorts, to those of you who look up to popular, beautiful celebrities and think that if they do something, maybe you should give it a go, too.”