Sometimes, the words, they be flowing from my mouth like water from a pitcher. Like honey over biscuits. Like lava from a volcano.
But, as BrightSide likes to put it, better out than in.
“You wanna keep rolling those eyes further up in your head or put them back where they belong?”
Yeah. I’m not putting up with eye rolling at home so I’m damn sure not taking it from some kid in a reading group. Bye, Felicia.
“Why does that bug look like it’s doing yoga? And is it dead???”
Bear enjoys chatting while using a restaurant’s facilities (such a social butterfly, that one). This leaves me with nothing much to do besides gaze around the room, which means I’ve got a pretty good idea of which restaurants lack in the restroom sanity department.
“You know, you’ve been really pissy to me, and I just don’t want to be around you at the moment.”
Because sometimes the only sane thing to do as a 46-year-old woman is to put yourself in timeout in your closet. Just sayin’.
“Mom, is the grape soda for us to share -” “NO!” [blink, blink] “Son, let me explain to you what the word ‘hard’ means in ‘hard grape soda.’ “
Because what else would a responsible parent keep in the garage refrigerator but bottles of delicious looking grape soda? Winning it here. And you’d better believe I kept careful count of those bottles.
“I love you. Truly. But it’s not always about you.”
I sure wish I’d learned this one earlier.
[Watching the kids pull Cosmo magazine out of its holder in the checkout lane] “Guys, there’s a reason that magazine is kept inside a holder that covers it up.” [out comes an issue with “SEX” splashed all over the cover] “Ewwwww.” “Yep, that’s why.”
Because what I really want to do between unloading orange juice, toilet paper, and hamburger patties out of my cart is answer questions about the Kama Sutra, orgasms, or why anyone would want to have “mind blowing sex” in their kitchen. Jesus, take the wheel.