the witness protection program: not just for snitches anymore

Ah, the good old U.S. Witness Protection Program.  There’s something vaguely reassuring about knowing, if I’m ever in the wrong place at the wrong time and see a hit go down, my government will whisk me off to a safe location and provide me with a brand new identity.  Knowing my luck, that identity would be a waitress in Idaho but hey…at least I’d be alive.  

It seems my laundry room has instituted its own version of witness protection.  Apparently certain articles of clothing in the house felt at risk and have been relocated for their own safety to an undisclosed location.  Unfortunately for me, no one thought I needed to be clued in on the transfer.

I blame the dryer sheets.

They strike me as the sneakiest of our laundering materials, frankly.  They disappear into the dryer to work their magic, folding themselves into towels or mysteriously littering the hallway.  It’s hard to trust something that just shows up in your underwear drawer or behind the nightstand without warning.

But regardless of what’s spearheading the campaign, something has relocated belongings during the laundering process.  Like my special sock that went missing for several weeks.

I’m sure you’re all, “Whatever, Laura, it’s a sock, one of dozens” and technically that may be true, but this sock was special.  It was one of my Big Bird Yellow M&M tube socks.  (Go ahead, get the visual.)  That’s right.  I own a pair of tube socks that are bright yellow, reach my knees, and have a large M&M on the top of the foot.

Where would I have found such a treasure, you ask?  Well, BrightSide went on a business trip to Vegas (yes, really) and a couple of the guys picked up souvenirs for their wives.  BrightSide’s friend was in line to purchase some slinky lingerie when my guy held up these distinctive tube socks and announced he’d be bringing them home ‘cuz we roll like that.


Also, true.

So you can see why it pained me to lose half of my M&M set, and why I was extremely relieved when it was returned after my sock did its patriotic duty and nailed the detergent pods for leaking.

Other items that have gone missing only to return days, weeks, or even months later: my favorite tank top, jean capris, a third of the business socks BS owns, Bear’s infinity scarf, and one pair of Nike shorts.  Why this many items have played hide and seek in our house is a mystery…we must have some sort of massive underworld on an alternate plane.

But it turns out those items were the lucky ones.  Other belongings have disappeared into the ether, never to be seen again.  “That t-shirt I wore to the class party.”  Countless socks from everyone’s drawers.  A top I loaned Bear (although I suspect I might find that one if I searched hard enough).

Some of it I’m just writing off to the laundry gods.  I’ll hold out hope that others might come back to me someday.

A girl can dream.

16 thoughts on “the witness protection program: not just for snitches anymore

  1. I thought dryers ate socks. Occasionally, I find money in the dryer as a payment for feeding it socks. One day the dryer was particularly hungry and ate one of DW’s shirts. *POOF* and it’s gone, swallowed in one bite.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. There are nasty little elves in this universe. Mine have moved from socks to other things, like the passport that went missing a couple of years ago, the fishing line I wanted to use to hang an ornament in the window, my scissors – I could go on.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I found out my old washer barrel ate a bunch of stuff. 😦
    I keep an odd sock basket and I do woefully moan over it now and again, but I make the kids match’em.
    My own stuff goes missing SO often, I’m convinced it’s a conspiracy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I used to hold onto them, too, and still fight the urge (but I do it anyway). They hang out on the back of my dresser or on the bathroom counter until I finally get tired of looking at them and then out they go.

      Liked by 1 person

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