It’s summertime and the living is easy.  (Um…not really.)  The sun is high and that breeze is sweet.  All you need is a cold lemonade margarita plus a shady hammock and you’re good to go.

Naturally this means we’re heading to the airport.

Some people prefer quietly sailing through security, leaving nary a ripple behind them, but not me.  No sirree, Bob.  I like to make an impression.


Let’s kick off our summer travel series with some TSA tips.

Travel Tips Guaranteed to Get You Extra Face Time (and maybe even a pat down) with the TSA

1.  Be meticulous in your packing.  The neater your bag’s contents, the more likely it is you’ll look like a mastermind on the brink.  It may even bump you from x-ray screening to an actual agent pawing through your unmentionables.

2.  Wear one of those long, flowing, extremely comfortable maxi skirts.  The kind that don’t make you miserable during your umpteen hours of travel.  Then watch as the TSA pulls you aside because your body shape’s undefined under your clothes.

3.  Wear skin tight jeans.  Wear spandex.  Hell, wear a Catwoman outfit like Halle Berry.  Then watch as the TSA pulls you to see if you’ve taken advantage of distraction to smuggle items past security.

4.  Forget to take off your watch.  Then forget to remove that chapstick in your pocket.  After you’ve set off the metal detector twice you might as well embrace the fact that you’ll be meeting the wand.

5.  Wear an underwire bra, even if you’re a man.  Especially if you’re a man.  Security will be so busy trying figure out what the hell you’re doing they won’t even bother to ask about your light summer reading you’ve stuffed in your carry on:  The Anarchist CookbookThe Communist Manifesto, and V is for Vendetta.