Live from the Living Room: 20 tweets ripped from real life

I didn’t spend much time on social media before I delved into the blogging world.  Facebook?  Sure, I was all about the Book, but I hadn’t touched on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or Pinterest.  Or anything else, for that matter.

Like most things, though, once you dip your toe in the waters you’re in it to win it.  You find a platform or two that are most appealing and focus your attention there, then slowly but surely you find it sinking into your subconscious.

This is why I’ve started spontaneously thinking in tweets.

I can tell you, right about now BrightSide’s shaking his head and wondering if he should be worried about me.  To say he’s social media phobic would be understating it, so the revelation that I (occasionally) think in tweets is bound to be alarming.  That’s why I tend to keep these sorts of things to myself.

Whoever said complete honesty was the best policy for every single thing obviously wasn’t married.

Now, for your reading pleasure, Real Life Tweets from my very own head.  Character count is not guaranteed.  Names will be changed to protect the guilty and/or obnoxious.

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**  If you enjoy pestering people repeatedly to get out of bed then parenting is definitely for you.

**  If you can’t stand the sound of “SHOTGUN!” then you’ll want to stick with an only child.

**  If you can tolerate the coma inducing, hour long argument about who had shotgun last, you’re built for multiples.

**  If you love stalking someone’s e-mail, texts, instagrams, live feeds, & group chats then parenting a teen is for you.

**  If you cannot say the words penis, vagina, orgasm, & lesbian sex then You Are Not Ready For Teens.

**  Parenting. When your kid complains that a parental app limiting screen time means you don’t “trust” him. Um…and?

**  Parenting. When your kid throws down, convinced they’ve played their ace, and you’re channel surfing for a new NCIS.

**  Awkward: when your kid explodes your neighbor’s beer cans in their driveway because “they made an awesome sound.”

**  Awkward: new math means arguing with your kid that yes, mom can help you, even though the teacher forbade you to ask your parents.

**  Awkward: any and all humor shared at family dinners by a kid between the ages of 11 and 15.

**  Signs you’re a dog owner: the man yelling “Pookie! Pookie-Wookie!!” on a street corner means it’s just another night in suburbia.

**  Signs you’re a dog owner: leaving Target with 2 towels and 5 dog toys/treats is par for the course.

**  Signs you’re a dog owner: when the dog eats your lunch you assume she’s just trying to help you diet.

**  Signs you’re an über dog owner: your dog can do every trick under the sun.

**  Signs you’re a realistic dog owner: your dog can sit, shake, and (sometimes) stay.

**  Signs you’re a beat down dog owner: your dog just looks like wtf? when you give a command. Then you give her a treat anyway. ‘Cuz dogs.

**  Parenting is one million times “go brush your teeth”, “do it again”, “this time put toothpaste on the brush.”

**  Parenting is like having a taste tester, except they eat half your meal before deeming it worthy.

**  Parenting is explaining that no, mommy doesn’t want your leftover crust. Over and over again.

**  Parenting is one billion times “watch this  Watch This  WATCH THIS” until your brain explodes.

11 thoughts on “Live from the Living Room: 20 tweets ripped from real life

  1. And, when they grow up and share with you some of the things they did that you didn’t know about, parenting is not having a heart attack while assuring them they, too, could be parents someday, with an evil cackle.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I keep telling BrightSide to buckle in. If there’s any kind of cosmic payback, their teen years will be terrifying. I can only hope my parents will eventually move to the next world without ever learning some of the *stupid* things I did!!

      Liked by 1 person

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