I’ve got a wonky sense of humor.  Even during the wooshy, man-I-hope-I-don’t-puke feeling during takeoff, turbulence, and landing I still manage to find a few giggle worthy moments during airline travel.  The flight attendant’s arrival speech, for one.

THUMP.  Thump thump thump thump, shuuuuuuder, whir.  Perky voice: “Let us be the first to welcome you to (insert correct city here).  Blah blah, blah-dy blah blah.  Please use caution when opening the overhead bins as articles may have shifted during flight.”

a)  Are there still people unaware that it’s possible a carry on might tumble onto their heads when they open that bin?  b)  Really, shouldn’t attendants be warning passengers about the risk of getting sued when their carry on tumbles onto someone else’s head from the overhead bin?  c)  Does this fall under the rule of Darwinism?

For those who help us fly the (mostly) friendly skies

**  This is still employment that requires a uniform, but thank heavens the heels seem to have become optional.  I have no idea how those ladies moved about safely considering on your average flight I stagger to the bathroom like a drunken sailor.

**  I used to worry about offending the flight attendants by not making direct eye contact during the safety procedure reviews prior to takeoff.  No matter how many flights I’d taken, I figured they still appreciated the attention.  Nowadays I think they’d probably be a little wigged out if I eyeballed them while they were talking.

**  Some loon tried to get into a cockpit last week so naturally there was a bit of fallout before our flight home on Saturday.  I hadn’t really put two and two together, though, until the flight attendant got all hinky about T-man standing in the aisle between her and the cockpit.  (To be fair, he wasn’t just kicking it – that’s where the put the freaking bathroom.)  Bless his heart, he was confused but followed her directions as she just kept moving him up the aisle with her until the bathroom opened up.

**  I’ve been on my fair share of flights and I have to say I’ve never looked at flight attendants as bartenders, but after Saturday’s flight I realized they’ve gotta juggle that responsibility, too.  The girl behind us drained five gin and tonics over the course of a four hour flight.  Five.  To her credit, she was impeccably polite as she flagged down each attendant to order a refill.

**  Half the passengers could stumble off an airplane in hypoglycemic shock and those airlines still wouldn’t feed us.  Any company that expects you to survive a four hour, cross country flight with two drink service runs and a pack of crackers is, in my humble opinion, cutting a few too many corners.

And, for your reading pleasure, flight announcements that popped up on my Google search:

  • From a Southwest Airlines employee:  “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
  • After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
  • From a Southwest Airlines employee:  “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight X to Y.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
  • “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses.”
  • Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement:  “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”