Full disclosure:  Being as unhip as I can possibly be, just because I’m writing about it doesn’t mean that I’ve heard it.  Frankly, I didn’t have the wine on hand necessary to listen to multiple hits off the Hot 100 list yesterday.  This is the result.

I’m The One – DJ Khaled et. al

Well, Khaled’s mama doesn’t need to worry herself about self-esteem issues.  This fella’s got oodles and oodles.  DJ Khaled’s got so much confidence he’ll even record with Justin Bieber without worrying his rep will take a hit.

That’s What I Like – Bruno Mars

Ooooh, baby.  ‘Nuff said.

Humble – Kendrick Lamar

Well, this is a first.  I mean, I’ve seen a lot of song titles, but this particular adjective is…unique these days.  Frankly, I don’t know what to do with it.  Next.

Body Like A Back Road – Sam Hunt

Curvy?  Narrow?  Gravelly?  Dirty?  Um…okay.

Issues – Julia Michaels

Oh lawd, this could be my theme song!  “What’s going on, mama?”  [bada-thump-thump-thump]  I got ISSUES!  “What’s wrong, mama?”  [bada-thump-thump-thump]  I got ISSUES!  Issues all day, issues all night, more issues than a magazine about first in flight.  Mama’s got issues!  (Hey, I never claimed to be a songwriter.)

It Ain’t Me – Kygo x Selena Gomez

Good grief, every parent on the planet could write their own lyrics to this one.

Bad Liar – Selena Gomez

No, mama, I didn’t break-the-lamp-leave-the-ball-out-kick-the-cat-steal-your-gum-eat-the-last-granola-bar-draw-on-the-wall-track-in-mud-hit-the-car-lose-my-sneakers.  It was the-dog-the-other-cat-my-friend-my-other-friend-the-neighbor-the-other-neighbor-the-stranger-who-ran-through-our-house-on-the-way-down-the-street.

Oh, my child, my child.  You are a Bad Liar.

Rolex – Ayo & Teo

Yep, this one’s less surprising than “Humble.”

Strip That Down – Liam Payne Featuring Quavo

Dedicated to the population for whom this is less “peel those clothes off” and more “let’s drag that old dresser outside and start a new home project.”