Apparently I am one of the few people in America who made it to forty-six without ever visiting Las Vegas. This gap in my travel history never fails to cause a small ripple in conversation – upon learning I was a Las Vegas Virgin people would respond with anything from a moderate “really?!” to shocked surprise that I hadn’t yet experienced this marvel of modern something-or-other.
I don’t mean to sound snide. I’ve heard other people really enjoy Las Vegas for a variety of reasons, and I’m happy for you. We spent less than twenty-four hours there on a trip this summer – approximately nine of those out and about – and it was definitely…memorable. We especially enjoyed the dancing waters, although I will say the (ahem) “characters” on the street led to some interesting conversations with Bear and T-man.
With that being said, here are just a few of the reasons I don’t feel the need to return.
- There is no such thing as a 110 degree “dry heat” that doesn’t bother me. Stop trying to convince me that such a thing exists. Yes, a humid 94 degree day back home is miserable, but so is 110 degrees when it’s 9:00 at night. Let’s just say my physical and psychological makeup is incompatible with the Las Vegas environment. Period.
- I’m asthmatic. Or something. I’ve got decreased lung capacity and, even if I didn’t, I hate cigarette smoke. (Nothing personal about smokers, I just don’t want you breathing smoke into the air within 500 yards of me.) God bless Las Vegas for embracing a group of people that have been driven out of basically every other public establishment in the country, but it means I can’t breathe. Anywhere. And that’s sort of problematic.
- I don’t like gambling. It’s not that I have an objection to gambling, y’all go on and have fun, but I personally don’t enjoy the process. I hear people have a good time playing the slot machines or cards, but all it does for me is ratchet up my blood pressure and stress me out.
People typically hit me up at this point about the shows. Apparently Las Vegas has beaucoup opportunities to see “the shows.” But you know what? I haven’t been to New York in a really long time, and they’ve got a lot of shows to offer, too. Plus other stuff I’d enjoy doing while visiting the city.
So I’m sharing my photo of the Bellagio. There you go, Las Vegas fans. I’ve been, I’ve seen, I’ve sweated, I’m out.