I like to consider myself an intelligent person. I mean, we’re not talking genius level aficionado, but an adult who is reasonably well-rounded and able to function in the world? Sure, I’d like to think I’m that.
Even so, try as I might it turns out there are certain things I simply cannot seem to explain to my kids. At least not so I’m convinced they truly understand.
1. Why we have yogurt and yoghurt. Ditto for favorite/favourite, adviser/advisor, donut/doughnut, grey/gray, and theater/theatre. Can I blame this on the British?
2. How I do actually understand what T-man and Bear mean when they say “Savage!” even though I’m old as dirt and therefore cannot possibly get slang today.
3. Miley Cirus’ Wrecking Ball video. Sorry, kids, I can’t explain why she’s riding naked on a wrecking ball. I have no earthly idea.
4. The whole neo-Nazi/KKK/nationalism thing. I gave this one an honest shot but for real…this base level of hatred is almost beyond their grasp, so the concept of factions is a layer of crazy they can’t quite sort out.
5. Why the movie Gremlins got so freaking gross toward the end. And how it was a revolutionary kind of scary in dark movie theaters at the time. Yes, even with those crappy special effects.
6. How taste buds work. (Hello, Siri.)
7. Why God cursed girls with horrific cramps along with an inability to recreate the feeling in boys so that they might truly grasp the level of sympathy required.
8. How to figure out if you’re east or west of the prime meridian without googling a map.
9. Despite my best (and repeated) efforts, the critical importance of cleaning out a dryer’s lint trap.
10. The difference between curtains and drapes.
11. Why the washing machine won’t actually clean your clothes if it’s overloaded. Even if you add water and detergent. Not even if you add extra detergent. Just stop overloading the machine, dammit.
12. How taking four bites of an apple/peach/nectarine/banana then throwing the rest away does not truly constitute “eating fruit.”
13. The power of the free market, supply and demand, and price gouging in times of crisis.
14. Why Phoebe does not want you crowding up on her even though she buries herself in me for full body hugs.
15. Why Gracie eats things like ziplock bags, napkins, contact cases, and any school papers left within reach.
16. That BrightSide and I really, truly, positively cannot get on board with same day sleepovers. We just can’t switch gears that quickly. Plus, you know…I’ve gotta be able to feed someone if they’re spending the night. Give a girl some warning. Sheesh.
17. How James Earl Jones’ voice is iconic and instantly recognizable by anyone of our generation.
18. And that we’ll never be able to think of YouTubers as “real” celebrities.
19. Certain items are kitchen staples – spices, sugar, flour, bread – the basics. I’m thrilled you’re expanding your cooking repertoire, but you have for real got to tell me when you use the last of the vanilla extract.
20. The difference between closing and slamming the garage door.