A Slightly-Too-Long Note to My Stitch Fix Stylist: The Ugly Volvo

“Hoping to compile a cute, “mom-friendly” wardrobe, but hey, if you wanted to throw in a few pieces that are mind-blowingly impractical I would totally be down for it because while yes, I could probably use some versatile cardigans, in my heart of hearts what I’d really love is a motorcycle jacket and maybe some boots that make me look like I’m the type of person who’d casually put out a cigarette on a guy’s face?” 

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Throwing shade at the solar eclipse: Nickworthy

“An eclipse is a great and historic thing to see, except for that you can’t actually look at it. Don’t hype up something for several months and tell me how amazing it is but then say I can’t look at it. That just makes me want to look at it even more. It’s like if I was on a diet (I’m not) and my wife made me doughnuts (yes, please). I have very little willpower, so it’s going to be tough not to look at the eclipse. I’m not supposed to look directly at the sun on most days but I still do that, just like I stare at light bulbs. Maybe this is what happened to the dinosaurs. They all looked at an eclipse, went blind and then became extinct.”

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Registering for your kid’s birthday party presents, WTF???: Baby Sideburns

“I totally get registering for a wedding or a baby shower. I mean there’s a bunch of shit you NEED (like no one’s gonna buy you nipple shields unless you ask for them) and you’re just starting out in the world, but eight-year-olds don’t NEED specific toys. And this is not a Christmas wish list. I am not Santa Claus….I mean God forbid little Miss McPartypants opens up a Lego set she didn’t ask for. Awww don’t worry, sweetie pie, we’ll go make sure NO ONE gets you the wrong Barbie doll so you’re not disappointed on your birthday.”

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5 Rules for Black Cookouts … and Life: The Root

“As one of the world’s leading cookoutologists (I would say I’m the leading authority, but my aunt Phyllis hasn’t officially retired), I feel it is my duty to keep you updated on the latest in cookout culture. (Always remember: White people barbecue, black people “cook out.”)…

1.  Bring something to the table.  Showing up empty-handed to a black cookout is one of the worst offenses a human being can commit. If you’re wondering why everyone is giving you a slight side eye, it’s because you waltzed into Aunt Phyllis’ backyard with nothing but a cellphone and a beer. One beer! What kind of motherfucking savage are you?”

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Fuck Status Symbols: Damn, Girl. Get Your Shit Together

“We don’t want our parents lives. Don’t get caught in the same traps they did…Below is a list of the shit that nobody hip cares about, and makes you look like a superficial idiot.

1.  Expensive wine.  Studies have debunked the relationship between wine taste and wine cost. That $30 or $40 or $60 or god forbid $90+ bottle of wine is bullshit. You are not a sommelier, you are like a kid awarding blue ribbons to mud pies and it’s embarrassing. Science agrees. Find a bottle you like under $15 and get drunk like the wise millennials do.”