What? You think just because I have an English degree that I can’t do statistical analysis? Have you seen how smart I look in my glasses?
Wicked smart, man. I mean, that lady looks nothing like the ham who puts ridiculous posts out into the world every week. She looks like she sits behind a desk, hair in a bun, creating spreadsheets and drinking coffee.
Let’s crank out some numbers, baby.
1. There’s a 98.7% chance I’ll need to pee once I realize there isn’t a bathroom for the next 45 miles.
2. Once we finally reach that bathroom and I manage to waddle-run in, there’s a 75% chance the stall I choose won’t have toilet paper.
2a. Or the dispenser is jammed.
2b. Or the last two squares are glued to the industrial roll.
3. I’m 82% more likely to be carrying the wrong wallet if I have a gift card for the store we just wandered into.
4. If I try to change five minutes before a construction worker arrives there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll get trapped in my sports bra.
5. There’s also a 60% chance the kids won’t hear me yelling for them to stall the workers.
6. I’d say there’s a solid 15% chance we’ll be hosting a Port-a-Potty for the next four months.
7. Ditto dust covering every stationary surface in the house.
8. Ditto juggling dogs from backyard to game room to backyard again.
9. Every additional day Gracie stays in the game room increases the odds she’ll eat something requiring gastrointestinal surgery. So far she’s devoured tissues, empty chip bags from the trash can, wrappers, wires, Legos, and T-man’s Xbox headset. He’s kinda pissed about those last two.
10. There’s a direct correlation between time spent preparing dinner and the likelihood my kid(s) “won’t really care for it.”
11. There’s also a 28% chance I’ll get 2/3 of the way into cooking said dinner before realizing I don’t have one of the key ingredients, leading to an intense debate about whether I can omit it, substitute it, or need BrightSide to stop on the way home.
12. And regardless of what I’ve cooked – no matter how unusual the ingredients, spices, or smell – it’s a 100% certainty that Gracie will plop her paws on the counter and lick my unattended cutting board clean. She’s developed quite a taste for fresh parmesan cheese this week.