“I wrote once that I wanted to keep my kids from being a-holes so that when they grew up they could be respectful, contributing citizens of wherever they live.
But right now? Right now they’re a-holes. Especially, to each other. I thought it was just a phase. I thought it would pass. It’s been 10 and 6 years. It hasn’t passed.”
“No, no, no, no, no!! You can have a birthday party, a graduation party (even from preschool and Kindergarten if you must), a Halloween party, a baptism party, a Christmas party, a Hanukkah party, a Valentine’s Day party, a Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah, a first communion party, even a tea party, but I must draw the line at a potty party.”
“There it is. Sitting there. That blank line. With two of the most annoying words in the history of popularity. Friendship request. Yup, I was filling out the camp forms last night and there was that line staring up at me. And it says it has to be reciprocal. Oh shit, I better make that totally uncomfortable phone call to Betty McBoopypants and ask her if our kids can request each other. I feel like I’m in the 9th grade again asking a boy to go with me to Homecoming.”
“Just about a year ago, I wrote a post called “Fifteen Things You Can Do When The World Is Shitty and Terrifying.” Last year, I was sad and angry about the death of Laquan MacDonald. I was outraged that a man with an assault rifle began to shoot up a Colorado Planned Parenthood. I was heartbroken about the Syrian Refugee Crisis.
That seems almost quaint today.”
“I shut the radio off and decided it was a good time to talk to my daughter about being a ‘difficult’ woman.
I want to her to be fiery. I want her to be difficult. I want her to be a girl-boss — not a bossy girl; there is a difference. I am proud that she has mastered the art of not putting up with anyone’s bullshit at such a young age. I like how she doesn’t pour on the drama every chance she gets; she is stoic. She was just born this way, and it’s who she is through and through.”