Most of you know I love a good eavesdrop.  It’s a great way to pass the time when you’re waiting at the pharmacy or get stuck with the slowest cashier on the planet.  Chilling before church, out for dinner, at the movies – basically anywhere you find mass humanity you’ll also find outstanding eavesdrop opportunities.

Granted, sometimes you end up with an earful of bunion complaints.  But sometimes you strike parenting gold.

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junior: A couple of us are going for pizza and [mutter mutter mutter]…

mom: You think you’re gonna do what with your friends?! Boy, I’m never gonna be deaf enough for you to slip that one by me.

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mama:  Stay with me, Tommy.  With me.  Right here.  Do we need to leave?  Then you have to – Tommy!  Get over here!  Touch the cart.  Yes.  Our cart.  Now hold on to the side.  You need to stay with mama – Tommy!  Where are you?!  Do we need to leave??

[FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, WOMAN, YES YOU NEED TO LEAVE.  HE’S THREE FEET TALL, JUST PICK HIM UP AND GO.]

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kid:  I hate applesauce.

dad:  Fine, then just eat the chicken.

kid:  I hate chicken nuggets.

dad:  What are you talking about, you ate them last night.  And every other night this week.

kid:  Well, I hate them now.  Hate them hate them hate them hate –

dad:  Fine!  Just eat the fries.

kid:  But I don’t feel like fries.  Or applesauce.  Or chicken nuggets.  I hate everything they make here, I don’t even know why you made me come when I really wanted to go to –

dad:  Ma’am! … We’ll need a to go box here.  And the check, please.  As soon as humanly possible.

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preschooler:  But I don’t wanna go!  I wanna go down the slide ten more times and swing on the swings and climb through the tunnels and do the monkey bars but this time upside down, too, ’cause Kim hung by her knees and it was really cool so I want to hang, plus I still haven’t built a sandcastle or jumped hopscotch or done the tire swing or –

mama:  We’ve been here over an hour.  You have exactly 5 minutes before we leave so I guess you’d better get busy.

preschooler:  But I don’t –

mama:  4 minutes and 55 seconds left.

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teen:  Oh, a biscuit!  I’m starving.  This is perfect, thanks.

mom:  ….

teen:  But you said I could hang out here during service, and I was really looking forward to it.  Why do I have to go in? … But why? … But you already said –

dad:  Don’t argue with your mom.

teen:  But she said I could hang out here, and I was really looking forward to just sitting on the couch and eating my biscuit –

dad:  You should be excited to sit with Jee-sus!

[omg, that is the absolute best line I have ever heard.  “You should be excited to sit with Jesus.”  Bwahahahaha!!]

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