I’ve listened to many a man wax poetic – aka wonder wtf is happening – about women.  How we care about weird stuff or get caught up in trends.  The emotional roller coaster, stress related Hallmark movie marathons, or the magical healing powers of chocolate.  We’ve made great progress as a species, but in more than a few ways we’ve still got that whole Mars/Venus thing going on.

So in the interest of fairness, let’s toss out a few what on earth? categories for our male counterparts.

Heidi

**  Mustaches with those tiny twirly tips.

Sure, a lot of women struggle with mustaches overall, but for the sake of brevity I’m gonna zero in on the pronounced handlebar mustaches.  What’s up with those?  Putting aside the fact that they remind me of the squiggly dash on my keyboard (magnified by a hundred and pasted smack dab under someone’s nose), the tips are so dang confounding.  Is there a special product one uses to get that pointy tip?  Do men twirl them constantly to maintain the evil genius look?  And again, not to get jammed up on the basics, but why?

**  Those big ol’ feet.

Okay, fine, some men have smaller feet, but even then they always finish that description with “for a guy.”  How do they function all day long with those huge stompers?  Don’t they kick stuff all freaking day long?

**  Those big ol’ stinky feet.

Listen, my feet get as sweaty as the next person.  (I guess.  It’s not like I’ve done a poll or anything.)  But seriously, do men have some sort of superpower sweat glands on their soles?  How exactly do they reach the end of a long day, slip off their shoes, and wilt any flower within ten feet?  It is beyond me.

**  The mystery of the shlong.

That’s right, I went there.  Boner, pecker, weiner, trouser snake, joy stick, johnson, pocket rocket, ding dong…whatever you call it, I can’t help but wonder how on earth men deal with such an unpredictable appendage day in and day out.  Women may have to deal with a bit of nip factor in the boobage area, but carrying around a member that springs outward from the body at will?  Or pees on the ceiling?  Yeah.  No clue.