“The red nose needed to guide the sleigh through the fog – I fail to see how someone’s glowing or shiny nose is able to make that much of a difference in the fog. Why can’t Santa just fly above the fog? What is Santa worried about running into, other flying reindeer? And if the nose really is super bright, wouldn’t that be a detriment in the fog?”
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What NOT to F’ing Give Your Wife this Holiday: Baby Sideburns
“5. Do not give me my present in the Amazon box. This includes popping a bow on top of the Amazon box. This also includes putting the Amazon box INTO a gift bag. Step one, open the Amazon box. Step two, put the item in a gift bag. Step three, kick your own ass if you don’t do this.”
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3 Simple Rules to Avoid Being a Weinstein: Stuff My Dog Taught Me
“It is hard to be a man in today’s world. Especially if you are wealthy. And powerful. I hear that middle-aged white guys are having a particularly rough time…
Let me clear away your confusion and make it easier for you to navigate each day without risk of being slapped, fired, or arrested…
If you follow these 3 Simple Rules, you should be okay:
Rule #1: DO NOT show your penis to anyone unless they have enthusiastically proclaimed their desire to have a peek at it.“
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Filing for Reimbursement of Time Spent Folding Laundry: The Ugly Volvo
“Hi, I’d like to submit my yearly hours of time spent folding laundry — mine, my sons’ and the communal laundry (sheets, towels, and occasionally the sofa cover) — for reimbursement. I am not looking for monetary reimbursement, I would specifically like to be reimbursed in time spent. As we’ve recently gone paperless, please notify me via e-mail when these hours have been added back onto my life.
I’ve invoiced you for about 2,500 hours which seems high but please take into account that I have a young baby at home who blows through outfits faster than Lady Gaga at the Superbowl halftime show, albeit for different reasons.”
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Even the Grinch Has Issues: Abby Has Issues
“The holidays are “the most wonderful time of the year” for a lot of people, but what about the post-holiday season when all the hype has died down? While many settle back into normal routines, there are a few people that find this time of year to be even more difficult…
After weeks of being in the spotlight, they’re suddenly erased from the minds of the public for another 11 long months. Needless to say, a round of therapy is in order.
Patient Name: Little Drummer Boy
Session Notes: Possible abandonment issues coupled with concern over money has manifested itself into OCD, as LDB sat on the couch “pa rum pum pum pum-ing” on the table with a pencil throughout the entire session.”
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Riddle from the Middle 