1. Winter Break, followed by one day of school then two snow days. A weekend, then a two hour delay, the winter weather advisory posted by 9:30am, and a nearby school system dismissing at 1:00pm. Could these kids please, please, just go back to school already?!
2. Bring it on, Winter.
3. Just kidding, Winter. Don’t bring on anything, just keep that sh*t to yourself.
4. BrightSide and I have finally – finally – caught up with the world on This is Us.
5. Seasons 1 and 2 pretty much wrecked me. Every single episode launched me into sniffly tears at least once.
6. Season 3 started last night, heaven help us all.
7. I have no idea how I’ll survive waiting a week between episodes. You know. Like normal people.
8. In other news, I’m doing a cleanse this week. Six days, really. Only six days.
9. Otherwise known as Six Days, how the hell am I going to make it six days?
10. Six days of no coffee. That right there puts us in the danger zone.
11. Six days of a different “modified” Elimination diet. Because I’m doing so well at remembering the 175 rules laid out so far.
12. Six days of drinking Cleanse “shakes” that, if Day 1 is any indication, will have no problem living up to their name.
13. Six days of drinking an insane amount of water to “flush the toxins from [my] system.” What if I like my toxins? We’ve probably been together for a while now.
14. Just kidding. I greatly dislike my toxins.
15. It’s still a boatload of water, though. Sheesh.
16. Do you think it’s possible to take a nap while an IV’s stuck in your arm? Before Monday this question would have been a no brainer for me. Because, you know…needle stuck in your arm.
17. I wouldn’t have guessed it was possible either, but I could literally feel my eyes closing while I sat there waiting for the drip to finish.
18. Then again, my vein was throbbing and my hand was ice cold. So there was that.
19. I found myself wishing I had someone to drive me home. That, or a gigantic cup of coffee filled with caffeinated goodness.
21. BrightSide enjoyed watching the college football championship game this week.
22. I watched a bit then crashed out on the couch with Phoebe. I’ve found my sporting events enthusiasm works just fine horizontally.
23. I must have dozed off, though, because the next thing I knew I was wondering why someone was shouting at me.
24. When I finally pried my eyes open I realized it was the halftime show with some rapper I’d never heard of.
25. I am so old.
26. Seriously. So. Old.
27. Yesterday I asked my 11-year-old if my socks and boots looked okay then took her advice about changing the style. Just in case you wondered how I manage to get dressed every day.
28. She probably thinks I was a train wreck before she became the stylish fashionista she is today.
29. Bear may be partly right. I own that.
30. I’ve started working with some math groups at the school. We’re looking at estimation and measurement.
31. (BrightSide’s probably busting a gut right now.)
32. I fully acknowledge the irony of someone (ahem – ME) who’s terrible at estimation being put in charge of this. I find it best to admit right up front that it’s an area I’ve always struggled with myself.
33. Some kids look relieved to hear it.
34. Some kids look like they just learned the monkeys are running the zoo. It must be nice to be such a smarty pants.
36. Like most of the east coast, we had a cold snap last week that blew everyone’s mind. Seriously. For about nine days we all wandered around like shock victims, staring wide eyed at one another as we searched for words. Any words.
37. It turns out I could not find any of the words to describe leaving the house when it was four degrees outside. Or days on end with highs that topped out in the 20s.
38. Yes, I know it was even colder in many parts of the U.S.; I fully acknowledge the hideously chilly conditions you’ve endured.
39. But seriously…have you considered relocating?
40. We’ve entered what can only be described as our slingshot season. Saturday and Sunday: high of 30. Monday: 40s, Tuesday: 50s. Thursday and Friday: 60s and rain. Back into the 30s by this Sunday.
41. No wonder we all have the sniffles. At least I’ve got tissues in the house.
42. When I left for church last weekend it was a whopping Six Degrees outside. Talk about harsh. Chattering teeth harsh. Jesus, Take the Wheel kind of harsh.
43. Then fast forward an hour to where I was discreetly sniffling behind my hand because how are there zero tissues in my purse?!
44. And I can’t get a cup of coffee. Or enjoy a little doughnut from the breakfast goodies table. Because toxins, dammit.
45. Four days to go. Jesus, take the wheel.