It’s that wonderful time of year again. My gal pals know what I’m talking about. Time to kick the tires. Check under the hood. Top off the fluids.

Time to visit the lady doctor. I am woman, hear me roar.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Why Oh Why would they paint this room such an ungodly shade of pepto bismol pink?! Am I three? Do I dream of being a ballerina? No, and it’s been a long time since I’ve found pepto bismol pink soothing.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I’ve been with this practice three years now, and each year has brought a new face all up in my lady business. Tell one my life story, get up close and personal, then learn she’s moved on when I call to make my next appointment. I’m starting to wonder if I’m a bad luck charm around there.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Speck – you – lummm. The word itself sounds evil.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Which reminds me…I am not looking forward to taking Bear for her first exam. This one falls under mama responsibility, but still. Jesus, take the wheel.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Thank you for putting a bathroom in this exam room because that’s just common sense.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Thank you for hanging that magazine rack on the wall right next to the exam table so there’s something to do while I wait draped in this crinkly paper cover. Because nobody likes completing an awkward reading material handoff to the doctor when she comes in. “Why hello, Dr. so-and-so, with your years and years of advanced study. Would you mind putting my magazine away for me?”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

If you don’t mind a little constructive criticism, you need some sort of background sound in here. Music, white noise, whatever. It’s unnerving to hear footsteps rolling up and down the hall or muted voices from another exam room. Some personal crap goes on in here.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I am so getting a pedicure after this. Hell, I think I see the beginning of a tradition. Endure massively invasive personal exam, go get my tootsies treated. It doesn’t make it right, but it does make it slightly better.