Does anyone else have a hierarchy of ways to die? I mean, it’s not like I’m ready to go, I’ve got things I still want to do. But if time’s up (and I have my druthers) then there are a few ways I’d prefer to leave this earth. Peaceful would be nice. So would being surrounded by people I love.
On the flip side, there are some deaths I know I don’t want.
Crashing to the ground in a fiery plane explosion? Not so much.
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Other ways I most definitely do not want to bite the big one.
Hot Yoga.
Where to begin. Hot, sweaty, sticky mess. Muffin top. Spandex. Sports bra that may or may not be situated properly. “Why do you care, Laura? It’s not like you’ll be around to suffer the humiliation.” Point taken, but still.
Carny Rides.
Shoot, you wouldn’t catch me at the mall carnival in a million years so you’d think I’d be safe from death by carny ride. It turns out you could be wrong.
We were driving to Bear’s tournament last weekend when we came up on a carny truck hauling one of their rides to the next town. The carny driver must have been sleepy, though, because as we passed he started drifting out of his lane and into ours. He drifted. And drifted. Time stood still as I contemplated the possibility that avoiding the mall carnival might not be enough. That I could be killed by a carny ride on the freaking interstate.
Seriously?
Elevators.
Oh lawdy, those teeny tiny spaces. It’s not like I worry about elevators crashing to the basement level, smushing everyone inside to a pulp. (Although that sentence sure does sound like I worry about it.) But that itty bitty space – one that shrinks tenfold for every person who steps on – well, it only holds so much oxygen. Getting trapped between floors with a crowd of people, feeling the temperature rise as my brain shuts down…the only thing worse is being buried alive. And I’d like to thank NCIS and Monk for graphic visuals of that particular horror.
Choking.
There’s a particularly rich irony in choking on health supplements. The idea that a pill meant to help me digest food and absorb vitamins could lodge in my throat, cutting off oxygen until I pass out then go belly up, is the ultimate in satire. “But what are the odds?” you say. Gee, you must be new to the blog. The odds are excellent. I’ve been taking supplements since January 5th and I’ve had at least ten choking incidents, two of which involved puking into the kitchen sink. ‘Cause I’m classy like that.
Boredom.
Don’t give me your medical jargon, I’m still convinced it’s possible to actually buy the farm from crippling boredom. Marathon sessions playing Candyland with an overly competitive preschooler. Watching Bob the Builder for the thousandth time. Heading into hour four of fortnite tips and tricks, updates and giveaways. Jesus, take the wheel.
I don’t want to die while lying on the kitchen floor waiting for hubby to call the ambulance – after he cleans up, puts the dog out, uses the bathroom, catches up on those last couple of minutes of his favorite tv show …. you think I’m kidding, right? I’m not.
But my absolute biggest near-death fear is being in what others perceive as a comatose state, while I can see and hear everything around me but simply can’t move or respond in any way. Do I really want to know what my family’s been thinking of me all these years? Probably not. Well, except for the dog – she thinks I’m awesome.
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But your house would look great for those CSI photos… 😳
Your biggest near death fear is now MY biggest near death fear because holy hell, that’s horrific! Thanks for playing. 😉
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(oh, sorry … )
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😂
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I liked Ksbeth’s idea. You’ve come up with some options I had not considered. Thank you – new things to worry about.
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As if there weren’t enough! Bwahahaha!!!
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The amount of thought you’ve put into this is hilarious lol! Have you ever seen the tv show “1000 Ways to Die”? It’s based on true events. This post reminded me of the show. You could be a writer for them lol
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Nope, sure haven’t, & you’ve got me wondering. Especially if it would be funny or give me fodder for nightmares! 😆
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It’s not supposed to be a comedy, but I can’t help but laugh at some of the situations!
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the one sure way to prevent that choking is to not take any health supplements at all. if I were a doctor I would prescribe chocolate instead.
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I think chocolate is a brilliant plan.
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Thanks for the laugh. Vitamins should have choking hazard for adults warning label on them.
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No lie. Or maybe they could make ones that aren’t the size of horse tranquilizers.
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glad you survived the carny ride near death experience. as for me, i just want to fall asleep, looking good, in my bed, while sleeping and having an intelligent looking book nearby, no drooling -)
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😂😂😂 Oh my gosh, I’d lose out on the intelligent book AND drooling fronts. Thanks for playing!
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Those two are how I hope it would be , but most likely not reality)
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😆
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