“This is always going to be your work. This need for acceptance. This doubt that you’re a good person, someone who deserves good friends. Lots of people who’ve been adopted struggle with this same thing. There’s something deep down inside them that doesn’t truly believe they’re worthy because they think…”
“Our birthmoms didn’t want us.”
You guys, my heart is breaking.
These conversations. They’re so raw. Brutal, really. I leave them drained and wrecked, wondering if I’m helping at all, knowing there isn’t really anything I can do. All I can do is listen. And pray.
Lo, do I pray. I’m praying for strength and guidance, wisdom and courage. I’m praying this kid eventually finds some sort of peace. That a day will come when the world will be a warm and welcoming place.
I’m praying they find a way to believe in their hearts they’re worthy.
Riddle from the Middle 
I know that both of my children were given to me because their birth parents knew they could not provide the best possible life for them. I have a poem that I had done in calligraphy years ago. It talks about two women, one who gave you life, the other taught you to live it. One gave you your smile, the other dried your tears. It is a beautiful poem called Once there Were Two Mothers. Anyone can google it.
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I’ve seen that poem – it’s beautiful and a wonderful expression of how a child can have more than one mother who loves them beyond all words. This post was about holding space for children when they’re dealing with identity issues that come with adoption. TAO’s comment above is a really good explanation of how understanding the reasons you were relinquished doesn’t change how it makes you feel deep down.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
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It is such a difficult thing!
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It really is.
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You can’t change the past, nor how choices made are felt by the one they were made for. The one adopted can rationalize why they were made, can understand and accept why they were made based on facts, what doesn’t change is how that decision makes you feel at the core of your being. And like everything that happens to us in our lifetime, deep inside, that lesson will be remembered and resurface again and again, some say it’s a way of guarding your heart so it isn’t broken that way ever again…
Why adoptees (like myself) have scoffed at PAL and how people think pretty, soft, warm fuzzy words used to explain why they needed to be adopted will ensure adoptees growing up today won’t feel like we felt, feel, until they do…
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I so appreciate your taking the time to add your perspective. Those warm fuzzy words are a reflex, and if I’m honest I have to own I had that perspective before we adopted and while my kids were still young. It’s only as they grew older that I recognized their struggle.
Thank you for your wise words. I’m definitely sitting with the idea that they’re guarding their hearts against another abandonment.
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Just think of it as learning life lessons non-adopted don’t learn until they are much older. Your words: “But I’m learning that they can simultaneously be happy to be with us and sad they’re not with their bio moms, and that’s just the way it is.” is what adoptive parents struggle to understand, instead they think it is either/or when it’s both. And, the big feelings – they aren’t there all the time, just sometimes…
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I couldn’t imagine having those conversations. So difficult. You just want to take their pain away. But perhaps that pain will make them stronger adults? They are simultaneously loved beyond all else and wanted.
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They really are. There’s nothing harder than sitting through the pain and not trying to fix it.
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It must be hard knowing the best you can do for them is sit with them in their pain and wait for it to pass. Give them your love, show them your love, and the hope that helps them work through it.
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‘and we were your family just waiting for you to join us.’
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It’s so hard! For years we’ve talked about the complexity of the situation, how the decision to choose adoption was made. But I’m learning that they can simultaneously be happy to be with us and sad they’re not with their bio moms, and that’s just the way it is.
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Yes
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