There I was, innocently cruising Facebook, when the words leapt off the screen and crashed into my skull:
“An adopted child is the replacement option because of fertility issues.”
“I absolutely support abortion over adoption.”
“I have always wondered: ‘If God wanted aps (adoptive parents) to have babies, why did he render them infertile?’ “
I spent years entertaining knee-jerk reactions. Shoot, I’ve practically got a degree in No-You-DIDN’T. But lately I’ve realized my violent responses usually hide a nugget or two – sometimes it’s truth, certainly it’s a learning opportunity.
Point A
We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility which, best I can tell, is the medical jargon equivalent of “hmm…nope, no clue why you’re not getting knocked up.” It’s a very whatevs conclusion, but we made our peace with it.
I’ve heard adoptees refer to themselves as Plan B – their parents couldn’t have a biological child so they were the backup plan. Some people hear backup and think “to the rescue,” but here? This has “second choice” written all over it, and what a tragic conclusion to draw about your place in a family. I can only pray our kids never feel like they’re some sort of consolation prize.
Point B
As for believing our kids would have been better off aborted than adopted…well, I hardly know where to start. I acknowledge this person’s pain. A comment like that comes from such an emotionally scarred place, it’s almost unfathomable. As a non-adopted person I have zero chance of grasping this emotion. All I can do is recognize the depth of their trauma.
Point C
Ouch.
There’s a certain logic to this backlash – as offensive as this statement is to me, the adoptive community’s premise that our families are part of “God’s plan” is equally repugnant to adoptees. Another comment, quite similar to this, also stuck with me. The woman asked why infertile couples felt they were owed the “right” to parent. That if you don’t get pregnant then maybe that is God’s plan for you.
I have to admit that gave me pause. It genuinely never occurred to me – not once – that not getting pregnant meant I wasn’t going to parent. And as I reread that sentence I realize it is the height of adoptive parent arrogance, but I promised brutal truth on here so there it is.
I accepted long ago that I will not understand my life’s twists and turns. I have an exceptionally human brain, and thinking I can understand the greater design at work is pure folly. I’m playing the long game here, and the long game means trusting I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Thank you for opening up a discussion about this. I just recently found out I can’t have biological children. Patiently listening with a painted-on smile to what people have to say about it and the fact that I’m thinking of adopting is painful. It’s at least (a little) consoling to know I’m not alone.
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I’m really sorry for your loss. I wish someone had said that to me 16 years ago. Instead it was all “you’ll adopt, you’ll have a family that way” but finding out you can’t have biological children is a shocking loss you need to process, and it’s not one to rush. Looking back I see that I needed more time with it than I took.
If I may…as someone who’s been in your shoes (boy, was I good at that painted on smile), don’t be afraid to step away when you need to. Even well-intentioned family members say hurtful things, sometimes just because they don’t really know what to say. I was hurting a lot at the beginning so sometimes my husband would run interference if he noticed it happening.
Please message me if you ever need someone to listen who’s been there. I’m happy to lend an ear, so to speak.
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Thank you for sharing this one. I’m not sure how I missed it before. You handle these issues with such grace and understanding. You are a beautiful soul.
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Well, thank you! What a kind thing to say. You talk about the real stuff, too, and I’m constantly impressed by the grace and kindness you extend to those around you.
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Fabulous post. I must admit, adoption came about as a result of infertility…but I never want my boys to feel that way. And point C…wowsers! I think adopters can make the best parents. Years of dreaming about what they would do, how they would do it…usually over thinkers that truly want the very best in terms of mental health for their children. I think we work really hard for our children – so we certainly deserve to be and should be parents!
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Thank you for stopping by and sharing your point of view. I agree, there is so much passion for parenthood in those of us who work incredibly hard to get there. I’d like to think that passion gives me a unique (not better, just different) perspective on parenting these kiddos.
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Thanks for posting!
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Thanks for taking the time to visit. I just read your post on your beautiful daughter Grace. What a blessing! You and I definitely have the hate-waiting thing in common. 😉
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It is so easy for us to judge. It’s so easy for us to say what others don’t deserve. And then, when you find yourself in that pair of shoes, you feel a sense of humiliated pain. At least, I did. I was quick to decide that certain people didn’t deserve their children because of their choices. I held that gavel in my hand with pride at one time. And I fell hard. Two people (one I didn’t even know) had no problem telling me that if I couldn’t carry a child, it was probably a good sign that it was for a reason. It broke my spirit for a long time. Adoption wasn’t a back-up plan for us. We were in the process of becoming licensed foster parents during a pregnancy. Neither worked out at that time. When things don’t go our way we are forced to either push harder or sit and reflect. I had to stop and let myself heal, and I also had to try and understand why someone would say those things. It’s taken me a long time (and I’ll never master it) to learn to consider someone else’s thoughts, especially regarding adoption, foster care system, infertility, etc.
Thank you for this post. I certainly appreciate the honesty of it. ❤
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Amber, thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I’m so sorry you had people say such a hurtful thing to you. I cannot begin to fathom what people are thinking when they toss around a version of “it’s for the best,” *especially* when it comes to having a child. Good grief.
I think all we can do is keep learning, keep trying our best, each and every day. Blessings.
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Agreed. I’m sure at that many points in my life I have said some pretty ignorant things without realizing the repercussions. Humans are humans. You’re right…ALL about learning and growing!
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I am an adoptive parent. Luckily for me I never encountered people with such ridiculous views. I know deeply that my two children were meant to be mine. I have always said that God would not take a piece of my body, so he took a piece of my soul. Both my children are from Central America. My daughter did not do well in her native country and I truly wonder if she would have made it there. She also need growth hormone for I think about 10 years. She never would’ve gotten that. So I believe it WAS God’s plan that these two were mine. I adore them and I know without doubt they feel the same.
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There’s nothing like a mother’s love. I have no doubt your kids know how much you adore them and I’m sure they love you, too. Family is such a blessing.
The point the adult adoptees were making in the group is that your children’s biological parents also believed deeply that their children were meant to be theirs. They did not choose their circumstances in Central America and, given a healthier home environment, would have loved being a family.
I’m not sure where you are in your journey. Our kids have been with us more than twelve years, and I’m in a very different place than I was when they first came home. I’d suggest keeping an open mind about all perspectives in the adoption triad since you never know what life will bring you later on.
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Wow – I’m not even sure how to respond to this post – I’m sure I couldn’t handle the FB post as well as you have.
Too many – scratch that – way too many people act as if parenting required two biological acts. One taking a little while and one taking nine months. Parenting is so much more. It’s more than having a baby, more than providing food and shelter for 18-umpteen years and more than paying a trainload of bills. Parenting requires love and everything that stems from love. From what I’ve read here over time, you guys are all over the love and everything that comes from love part. You’re great parents and I can’t see how God wouldn’t be happy.
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Thank you for your kind words, Dan.
All three of those comments were made by adult adoptees. I’ve been searching out their perspective since I’ll only ever truly know this from the loving (adoptive) mother side. I believe love and support is going to be a game changer for these kids. Although I can sympathize when they speak of feeling abandoned or like a part of them is missing, I can’t really *empathize*. These voices are REALLY hard to listen to but they’ve lived it. In time I’m hoping I see where it fits into everything else I’m learning.
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I think the key is that you are still learning. So many people stop learning.
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💛
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We humans are so good at making judgments and pronouncements about how it is, how it should be, why, when, and where, about other people. If God is in charge of who can conceive and who cannot, why are there so many abandoned, abused children? Why are there so many foster children and children up for adoption? I think being a parent is hard, and can only assume that when children are adopted it might have additional, or different, challenges. The only thing that matters is the well-being of the family and the love they have for each other.
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We certainly do spend an inordinate amount in judgy McJudgeville, don’t we. At least I’m aware when I’m slipping into it now.
Thanks for sharing your point of view, Carol!
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Hi, I have been following your blog for over a year now, and I find it very helpful. My Spouse and I are on a parenting journey of our own, and right now we (or rather me) are at a crossroads between pregnancy through IVF and foster care/adoption. I have always felt the desire to be a mother, ever since I was a little girl. I’m 44 now and we have always talked about becoming parents through fostercare. My spouse (She was a fosterchild) and I tried to conceive through IVF back in 2011, but were unsuccessful and I took it hard. As of last year there have been some changes in medical insurance requirements surrounding IVF here in NJ, that being said we decided to try again. But honestly, I feel like God is calling us to Foster care. For some reason, I feel like biological children were never really a part of his plan for me, or us. I am really trying to listen to what I believe He is telling me. I say all this to say that I feel children, whether Foster children or adopted are not a “Plan B” or a “Back up” . Great Post
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Thank you so much for sharing your story, Sherri. I remember those days when we had to work our way through such weighty decisions. (We still have them, just about different things these days!) It was stressful. Just…big. Big stuff. And making decisions about big stuff has always been a challenge for me.
We tried IUI and a round of IVF, and I struggled with the results, too. The best advice I got was to fully work through my feelings about not getting pregnant before moving into adoption or fostering. Those both have their own challenges without bringing along issues with biology.
Whichever way you and your spouse decide to go I’m sending wishes for strength, courage, and wisdom. Good luck!
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Your final line is my life mantra- trusting that things are how they are meant to be.
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It will get you through a lot, won’t it!
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Yes. I got the weird trust tattooed on my wrist. A gentle reminder that life will be ok and I need to settle in to that.
We are on the verge of parenthood and I definitely need this reminder every day!!
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Word* not weird. Lol
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Just had the chance to visit your blog and 100% yes, you’ll need that reminder tenfold while parenting. It’s blessings and challenges all wrapped up in a “what the hell is this” ribbon.
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perfect post
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Thank you. 🙏🏼
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