The short answer is no. Of course you’re not ready to have kids. Nobody’s ever ready to have kids. Some folks get surprised with parenthood, others finally decide to take the plunge on faith, but nobody – and I mean nobody – heads into this gig “ready” to have kids.

And those who think they are? Well, they usually grasp the situation about six hours after a baby arrives on the scene.

But just for kicks and giggles, let’s give this a whirl.


Signs you might be ready to tackle parenthood…

**  You have zero boundaries. Zip. None whatsoever. Because you can kiss the idea of privacy in the bathroom goodbye for about a decade.

**  You’re okay with repetition. Here are just a few of the phrases you’ll say 50,000 times in the first decade:

  • Did you go potty?
  • Let’s go again just to be safe.
  • Get your socks and shoes.
  • Where are your pants?
  • Time to clean up. (insert whatever insipid “clean up song” is popular at the moment)
  • No, you can’t have (insert whatever crazy request was made).
  • Because I said so. (Yes, even if you swore you’d never say this. Accept it and move on.)
  • Did you brush your teeth? Show me.
  • Yes, I trust you. (Followed by things like: I still want to talk to your teacher. I’m still checking the iPad. I still want to see your teeth.)

**  You and your partner can live with repetition. Here are just a few phrases you’ll repeat ad nauseam.

  • We can do this. We can totally do this.
  • Did you start the laundry?
  • Can you pick up milk/pizza/wine?
  • What’s going on this weekend?
  • We must have been out of our minds.
  • Seriously. I’m tagging you in while I take a shower.

**  You have a tireless capacity to count. Seconds treading water, running across the yard, putting together a puzzle, holding their breath – if it exists in the known universe, a kid will ask you to “tell me how long!”

**  You’re really good at faking it. Faking what? Everything. Enthusiasm for counting by twos, interest in the latest video game, fascination with Candyland. Faking it is an invaluable skill. You’ll want to hone yours.

**  You’re okay with gross stuff. Or at least you don’t puke. ‘Nuff said.

**  You’re emotionally prepared to come in dead last. Baby eats first. Baby gets changed ASAP. Baby comfort outweighs everything else, even the arm that’s gone dead under your sweet pookie’s pudgy napping body.

**  You are 100% able to Let.It.Go. Stress over feedings and sleep schedules. Worry about developmental milestones and preschools and whether your kids can sing his freaking ABCs. The kids are alright.

**  You’ve got a backup plan. For days when the kids are driving you crazy, you lose your shit and yell about spilled apple juice, or life with your adorable luvies feels less like a Disney movie and more like an episode of Survivor. You’ll need something to fall back on besides a bag of Doritos and Netflix.

**  Sleep? Pffft. You don’t need no stinkin’ sleep.

This is part 5 of the “so you want to know” series. You can check out part 4 about getting married here.