“White people can’t raise Black kids. Period. End of story.”
Yep. We’re gonna go there today. Buckle up, buttercup.
This is an actual sentence posted by a real live person on Facebook. (Yes, I know…Facebook. What the what. Just bear with me.)
I don’t know her in real life but we can safely say this woman speaks with more authority about the Black experience than I ever will, so all you folks who read that quote and reflexively said what the HELL?! need to take a step back and start over. I know it’s hard. Every knee-jerk white privilege instinct we have screams love-is-love (it is) and love-makes-a-family (it does), but – and it’s a big but – part of growing is knowing when to listen to someone else’s point of view. Like this one.
I’ll do my best to try to share hers.
a) A racist system puts too many Black kids in foster care. Instead of helping Black families stay together, caseworkers “save” those kids from Black parents by placing them with white families so they can have a “better” life.
b) White people don’t teach their kids about race or discrimination. More to the point, white people aren’t truly able to because they don’t experience it.
c) If you adopt a Black child, acknowledge you will never be Black. You will always be an outsider to the Black community.
Okey-dokey! Everyone still with me? Not exactly lighthearted fare today.
To her first point…I can’t count the number of times someone has commented that our kids have a better life with BrightSide and me. At one point I may have even believed it myself, but now I think they have a different life. Yes, we’re a two-parent household with decent resources and a love of travel. It’s a good life, but I’d be fooling myself if I said they don’t struggle with adoption issues. Would life with their biological parents have been worse? Who knows? Money isn’t everything. Maybe they wouldn’t have traveled like we do, maybe they wouldn’t have had all the material things they wanted, but they also wouldn’t have wondered why they weren’t good enough to keep.
To her second point…you really can’t argue with this one. I’m not sure how anyone raises a child of color and doesn’t have the conversation about race and discrimination, but she’s right. We can only discuss this from a secondhand perspective. I will never fully understand what it’s like to be a person of color in America. Although my conversations are the best I can do, they’ll never have the authenticity of someone who lives with discrimination.
To her third point…ouch. Nobody likes to hear they’ll never be accepted. It’s so final. Like nothing you do matters, you’ll only ever be that White mama. Harsh. Except it might be just a little bit like how it doesn’t matter what they do, they’ll only ever be that Black neighbor.
Food for thought.
Riddle from the Middle 
I am a WOC raised by white parents – I just want to say that I appreciate your willingness to hear this woman out. It was a response out of genuinely wanting to do what’s best for your children and not out of pride or ego. I also want to make the point – parenting is hard – period. Whether your child is biological or adopted – family is family and every family comes with unique challenges and blessings. I think in a family that is multiracial it’s important to have the mindset that yes some of us are white, and some of us are black, but it all is accepted and loved , and we are all family. As to the wonderings is my life better or worse because I was adopted – it’s yes. Not because I was adopted by white parents or that my biological situation was bad because it was black parents — Adoption is good. Period. It’s taking a child to a better living situation. My life isn’t good because I was adopted by white parents, but because I was adopted by good people. My biological situation wasn’t bad because it was a black situation, but because it was a bad situation. Also – black parents adopt white children too. If people want to adopt and love a child as their own, it’s a beautiful thing – regardless of race. Family is love. Thank you for your post! I enjoyed it!
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Thank you so much for adding your voice, Chanelle. I’m grateful when readers are willing to share their perspective since it’s really the best way to learn.
Boy, that pride/ego thing can really kick my butt sometimes! I’m working hard at the listening, at sitting still when something makes me super uncomfortable and figuring out why. I wrote this post after sitting with this for a long (long! it may have been a month or more!) time because my first reaction *was* but-not-me. It’s hard to hear someone say you’re not the best thing for your child. But I came to a place where I understood, culturally, there are just some things I don’t have to give. This woman taught me a lot just by speaking her truth.
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I hear ya! As someone whose first reaction is to take things personally, I completely understand!! – keep on being an awesome mamma!
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As to her first point, there are different situations. In my family, that is my niece and her husband, there was no foster care – he was adopted as a newborn by his mother’s choice. His biological mother could not raise him so she put him up for adoption. This was an open adoption, so the biological mom looked at portfolios of different families submitted for consideration. She chose my niece and her husband. As Ben grows older, he’ll know that he was chosen to be their child. Although they are white, they do consult with other black people regarding a variety of issues, from what shampoo to use to his school experiences and which multicultural books to read to him. Of course, it’s not the same, but he will just have to live the black experience for himself. It helps that he has two cousins, although much older, who are mixed race (mom is black, dad is white). One of them made sure he learned all about Dr. King and Pres. Obama! Ben is seven now and is a happy, healthy kid. I have known several other families like his – like yours too – and they seem to be well-adjusted. Meanwhile, Ben has made friends with children of all races.
Another point – about discrimination – my niece is Jewish, so she knows something about discrimination. She is also a physician and I’m sure she must have faced at least a little prejudice, although that has changed a lot in recent times. I’m not saying it’s the same, but no kid’s experience is exactly like their parents’ either. My son has struggled with mental illness and drug use. I have sought advice from professionals and organizations that help the mentally ill, as well as addicts, and have read books and articles to understand what he’s going through. Most important is to LISTEN to your child’s concerns. So there are plenty of ways to help your child adapt as (s)he goes through life.
The only time I would say interracial adoption is not advisable is when one or more family members is prejudiced against that race, even if they struggle not to be.
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Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. Your point “no kid’s experience is exactly like their parents’ either” is well taken. Biological or not, my kids can’t/don’t live the experiences I’ve lived. And, considering some of them, I hope they never do.
Your niece’s family strikes me as something similar to our son’s adoption — it’s good they’re so intentional about raising Ben. One of our most important strengths as parents is knowing when to ask for help, and that’s especially true when we’re raising someone with a different cultural heritage than our own. If I may…even a happy, healthy kid struggles with adoption. You might not ever see it, it might only be something that makes them sad sometimes or they share with their parents at bedtime, but it’s there. It comes in waves, too — he might not seem to be thinking about it for months at a time, then something triggers him and big feelings show up. It’s going to be okay, he’s wonderfully loved, just know that adoption isn’t a that happened once and it’s over sort of thing.
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I have been trying to express these tangled issues with my husband recently. No growth or understanding will ever take place without letting go all on sides; but then any personal growth requires letting go and accepting differences. Sometimes it just isn’t possible to know exactly what someone else has experienced. But I think we owe each other to try and imagine it.
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Very well put. I think sometimes — especially right now — people get defensive right off the bat. It’s hard to be open to learning if you’re busy trying to prove you’re right. Not easy but very important. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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One of the best remarks I’ve heard adoptive parents tell me, including my own, is “I will not be able to experience what it is like being a person of colour and that is okay.”
Parents won’t necessarily be able to relate to their kids all the time. That’s just life and comes with the adoption package.
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That’s so true. There’s validation in acknowledging we’ll never have that experience instead of pretending to *know.* Your parents are wise to put it out there. It just kind of stinks that so many strings come along with the adoption package…
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I’ve been having almost this same conversation with friends and co workers for the past 3 weeks. Being a black woman and a social worker, this topic kinda stirs something in me. To keep it short, as long as the white parents are having the conversations with the black kids (about black history, race, discrimination, etc) that’s what really matters. I cringe when I see a bi-racial child or an adopted black child with white parents who doesn’t know what Juneteenth is or who Malcolm X is (true story, the kid said he didn’t know who Malcolm X was because he doesn’t listen to rap music…I could have thrown up right then and there). If I adopted a Korean kid I would try to do all I could to expose them to Korean culture. I would imagine it’s hard enough being adopted and, in some cases, not knowing where you come from in terms of biological family, but then you add not knowing who you are ethnically and…it just sucks. I do believe white parents can be good parents to black kids though.
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I actually stopped short at the Malcolm X thing because what the hell? Are we just leaving giant chunks of history out now? Not to mention it’s an important part of his cultural heritage. Just wow. Stories like that make me understand why this woman was so angry. Those parents are failing their children on an epic level, one they’ll resent when they’re older.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!
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Yea, I definitely understood where her anger was coming from. Thank you for understanding and not shrugging me (or her) off as just another angry black woman.
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Dan’s “Pointing out what’s wrong isn’t offering a solution and your children are human beings who are growing up. They can’t wait for society to fix itself.” — Profoundly true.
Also true, Love Makes A Family.
I wonder if the FB lady is witnessing/experiencing something in her own life that has clouded her judgment. We can’t know, but you know what else? She dunno your life.
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You know, Joey, I tell myself all the time these days. They don’t know my life, just like I certainly don’t know theirs. I wish more people would remember that little detail…
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It’s crucial to compassionate living…
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It is good to approach this with an open mind and I’m glad you are. The points you make are good ones, and I would struggle with them.
I would add two thoughts (directed more to the person on FB) – maybe not welcome, but…
While there is nothing like being discriminated against because of your skin color, lots of people understand and have experienced a variety of discrimination. Economic situation and religious affiliation are two that come to mind. I have first-hand experience with one. You can do your best to prepare them, you can’t do everything, but it seems (to me) you are doing well. I’m a big fan of “perfect is the enemy of good” – when people talk in absolutes, I feel the need to point out that life isn’t always binary. Pointing out what’s wrong isn’t offering a solution and your children are human beings who are growing up. They can’t wait for society to fix itself.
My second point is more aspirational. The goal is for society to get to a point where no one is discriminated against for any reason. While you can’t offer a “perfect” life for your children, you are raising two children who will likely be on the right side of that equation. You’re moving the needle.
I’m sorry to use your comment box for a mini-blog post. If this is in any way inappropriate, please delete it.
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I’m always glad to hear from you, Dan, and viewpoints are most certainly welcome. 🙂
Your point on discrimination is — well — on point. (Sorry, that got stuck in my head & I couldn’t clear it.) I absolutely agree that many of us have experienced one form of discrimination or another, and this point was raised in the forum. If I can presume to answer for the woman she was speaking on a very narrow focus — white parents, black children — and did not favor the broader perspective on discrimination. We’re obviously beyond the point of this being a choice so I feel like we’re doing the best we can.
As for moving the needle, that is a big compliment indeed. Thank you, friend.
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You’re welcome Laura. Have a great weekend.
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Thanks, Dan. You too!
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Not the perspective I was expecting to read, but such valuable insight. Thanks for posting this.
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Thank you! It means a lot when folks come in with an open mind & share their own thoughts. ☺️
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The reality is . . . Powerful, thoughtful words.
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They certainly are. Thanks for your comment, Carol. 🙂
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wow.
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It’s had me thinking for weeks…
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