I never thought I’d be here.
I was a public school baby K-12. I taught in public schools. I believe in public schools and the learning opportunity they provide their students.
Plus as I’ve said time and again, mama didn’t raise a quitter. Yet here I am, drinking my coffee, absorbing the fact that we’re dropping off our kids at private school tomorrow. Getting ready for this day has been a struggle. It felt like I put my shoes on the wrong feet and was walking around wondering what felt weird only to realize I’m standing in the weird. Boy, am I standing in the weird. But I’m excited about what lies ahead for all of us this year.
Here are eight reasons we needed to leave our public school.
1. My kids deserve a safe learning environment. No, I’m not talking about guns (although, Lord help me, the shootings). Y’all, I can get my kids fed, clothed, and at school on time but it means jack squat when they don’t have freedom from fear inside that building. You can’t focus on learning when you spend most of your energy staying off the radar.
2. They deserve a community that has their backs. Yes, people make mistakes, but kids pick up on patterns. So when mine said someone called her a ni**er the day before school ended but she didn’t bother telling the teacher “because they wouldn’t have done anything anyway”…well, that summed up how alone our kids felt at school.
3. Hate speech is hate speech is hate speech. And it is never acceptable under any circumstances, ever. If you’d like a whirl down KKK lane, read this post from last year. Now wrap your brain around the fact the kids involved didn’t receive a single day’s out of school suspension. The new school’s bullying contract states any student guilty of bullying conduct is subject to suspension or expulsion. They Do Not Play.
4. Yes, we live in a white part of the county, but not this white. It’s illogical that T-man was one of only two boys of color in the seventh grade at his school. A few questions here, a little digging there – it seems boys (particularly African Americans) were transferring public schools after sixth grade. Now I don’t wanna tell you how to run things, but if you notice a pattern of black students leaving then maybe you want to look into the social structure of your learning environment.
5. They’re too young to hate their lives. Not that I want them to hate their lives later. Ideally they’ll discover something they love and going to work will be a joy, not a burden, so – oh, you know what I mean. They’re too young to dread going to bed because that means waking up and that means going back to that school. Nope.
6. Our kids were changing, and not in the “gee, they’re getting so grown” way. Teachers lauded our pre-middle school kids as responsible and trustworthy leaders in the classroom. Last year was a different ballgame. When neither was recognized for character or citizenship in the spring we realized how much the learning environment was affecting them. They weren’t just not thriving, they were regressing.
7. Institutional Failure. When marching into the office gets your kid bullied more for telling and doesn’t change the adult’s behavior you’re just putting a bigger bullseye on their back.
8. At some point you have to try something different. Frankly, I wonder why I didn’t hit this point after T-man’s sixth grade year. Better now than high school, though.
I raised four sons in public school, the last one graduated in 2007. We lived in the deep South, and being white did not keep them from being sinled out and having difficulty. We lived in the country areas where there is a completely different set of conflict. Jr High kids having sex in bathrooms, 30 min uniform check sessions. Detention for not wearing the right socks or belt. I cheered when my last graduated. If I had to do it today I would home school. Mean girls have gotten worse than boys. Some of my friends lived through hell with their daughters in high school. I hope they do well in the private school you have chosen. They are beautiful children.
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Thank you. We’re off to a wonderful start – I really think this will be a game changer for them.
Middle & high school is no joke. I mean every word when I tell my kid that I know school is hard; I’ve met very few people (actually, none) who said they breezed through those years. I’m not implying here that white kids get a pass on being bullied. I’m saying that there’s a base level of otherness and distrust that makes white dominant institutions harder for children of color.
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I agree.
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I commend you for your decision. I had always been a believer in public schools but sometimes, I wish I’d gotten my kids into private schools. They didn’t have the race issue, but they were different – outside the box kids and subject to bullying, my son in particular. He called me at work when he was in tenth grade and told me, “Mom, I just cant’ take it anymore.” He ended up going to night school and graduating early with a HS diploma. Best thing he could have done. I’m glad you were able to get your beautiful children in private school. I know it’s going to be good.
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I hear that a lot about their new school – that kids are accepted for who they are, even kids who are “different.” Their last middle school was your typical jocks get all the accolades place & some kids struggle. They had a wonderful first week so we’re off to a good start!
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I and my siblings went to private school K-12. Putting my kids in public school made me very nervous. My oldest sailed through with never an issue (though later he said some things he’d kept to himself that made me cringe). He was just better at navigating. My daughter was not unfortunately and in 7th grade we moved her to private school because of bullying. Night and day difference. You’re right they don’t play. Action for misconduct was immediate and applied consistently. And that I think is the key. The administration makes or breaks it.
I wish them both the best this year.
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Thank you! Siblings can be so different. This really came to a head because of our son & we told Bear it wasn’t a package deal — just because he wanted to change schools didn’t mean she had to. She told us she’d transfer the next day if she could. His stuff was all happening on the surface; she was just taking it in and managing.
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That’s what my Lulu did too for a whole year. She took it in and managed it. Until it became too much. It is very heartwarming that they have each other.
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Unfortunately, I think the bullying and lack of effective action by those in charge is reflective of the direction our society is going – and it doesn’t help that our so-called “leader” is a role model in all the wrong things. Good for you for putting your kids first in this instance.
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Thanks, Carol, there really wasn’t another choice. We’re championing change but it’s slow going…
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I homeschooled a daughter and a grandson each part of a school year because of bullying and lack of support from adults in the system. They’re both white in an almost totally white environment, just for the record. Going from public school to home school is VERY difficult at middle and high school ages, so I don’t recommend it, but I had no choice. Your switch to a private school with a strong anti-bullying policy in place (assuming it’s enforced with all students, and those with “special” parents don’t get a pass) sounds like a great idea. Yeah, you want to support public education, but you’re also aware that it isn’t YOU who has to face torment every day. You can’t stand on principle with your kids’ lives. Giving you a high five and one of those power fist things.
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Thanks, I’ll take all the solidarity high fives I can get. Both my kids asked me to homeschool them at one point last year but I didn’t have it in me, not when there were other options to explore. I SERIOUSLY applaud folks who pull off homeschooling successfully because it’s not an easy gig.
I have a good feeling about this administration. The head of school is hardcore no nonsense and made it more than clear that *nobody* gets a pass on bullying or sexual harassment. Parents from the school backed it up, and my kids (the best litmus test) felt good about the environment after spending the day there in the spring. High hopes for a great year!!
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A high school administrator I worked with (on various committees) and who was responsible for discipline once told a group of parents something that will stick with me forever. When asked about “problem children” he said:
“When kids at this age are causing these kinds of problems, an adult has failed to do their job.”
Your kids shouldn’t suffer because one or more adults are failing to do their job. You are doing your job by moving them into an environment where they can thrive. Some would say that you should work within the system, but every day your in that system, even if you are working, is a day your child has suffered and it’s a day they won’t get back. I can tell you from personal experience, that working within the system takes time and does not always result in positive change.
Good luck to your children this year!
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Thanks, Dan. They had butterflies this morning but I feel sure they’ll be all smiles when I pick them up after school.
You nailed it on the head here. While I worked for change from within they suffered, so we moved them for their health and well being. Ultimately this isn’t their battle; right now they’re supposed to be kids engaged in learning. I’m so excited to see them experience that again.
We’ve been transparent about why we’re leaving (obviously) and we met with admins in June to detail our experiences. Maybe having our story on record will help them develop staff in-service programs and rework their discipline strategy. I don’t know. But I sure do pray every single day for the black and brown kids still in that school…
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I hope they have a great year!
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I teach in a private school and I too struggled with the same things
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It’s a hard transition & I feel crazy even saying that because their new school completely aligns with my educational philosophy! Just one of those mental roadblocks, I guess.
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Same- you’ll find your balance
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