You know, I’ve been thinking lately about things I’m grateful I no longer have to do. Stuff like…

Wear dress shoes every day.

It boggles the mind to think I’ve held a job or two that actually required dress shoes. One was a particularly stodgy traditional company where women had to wear pantyhose with heels. Heels. I’m not philosophically opposed to dress shoes but my feet have a mind of their own.

Juggle alternative transportation.

My dad was what you might call old fashioned. There was no such thing as awesome, you’re sixteen, here’s a car! So it was no surprise when I left for college sans automobile since – shocker of shockers – I didn’t have the cash to buy one. Duh! That led to four years of coordinating bus schedules, bike times, leaving enough time to walk to class, or catching rides with friends. Let’s just say I really appreciate the convenience of a car to this day.

Constantly monitor the bladder and bowel habits of small people.

Yes, children are a blessing. Yes, every stage is precious. No, I don’t miss peppering kids with questions about the last time they went potty. Sue me.

Wear a real bra.

That’s right, I said it. Sure, I can deal with wearing a real bra, but sports bras are my jam.

Survive on Kraft mac & cheese and Ramen noodles.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, and sometimes that means boring food until payday. But it’s nice to have choices now.

Put up bulletin board displays.

All those bright, cheery displays you admire as you walk your kid’s hallway? Those are put up by real people. And let me just say, if you have even the mildest tendency toward OCD behavior, that designing then actually putting up a bulletin board is pretty much the seventh level of hell. There’s always that one letter that’s a millimeter off center but fixing it would mean taking down the whole thing and starting over and there goes another two hours of your life…

This means if I’ve ever volunteered for you and offered to help with a bulletin board that I really, really love you. Or I’ve forgotten exactly how hellish bulletin boards are. Or both.

Run five laps around the soccer field in 90 degree weather.

Y’all, I was in way better shape when I had to do this mess and it still made me feel like puking.

“Just try it!”

I am a grown ass woman and if I don’t feel like trying those world famous, life changing lima beans then I will for real not be eating them. Bless.