Repeat after me: turn signals are your friend. Learn to commit. Be kind and merge.
Now let’s move on to round two of our driver etiquette course.
Rolling the dice on those rolling stops. Okay, I’m not a driving nazi, I understand there are times when stop signs might be more of a suggestion than a command. Places like the way back of your own neighborhood at the butt crack of dawn when you can clearly see no cars are coming. (But if you’re in law enforcement and are reading this of course that’s creative license and I always come to a full and complete stop even at 5:00am. Ahem.) But out there in the real world, you have got to stop your car. Completely. For real. I’m making driving decisions based on your stopped vehicle and Bad Things Happen when 3,000 pound machines collide.
“If you can read this YOU NEED TO GET OFF MY ASS RIGHT NOW.” ←The bumper sticker I wish I was brave enough to put on my car. Intellectually, I grasp that road rage is a serious problem in America. I know acting like a dick on the road invites unpredictable results AND YET I have an almost pavlovian response to tailgating. I’ll hold steady for thirty seconds – maybe they’re preoccupied, maybe they’re changing the radio station or taking a call, whatever. But if you’re still riding my bumper after those thirty seconds then I’ll gently ease off the gas. Just a bit. Just enough to catch your attention with a “hey buddy, if you don’t back off I will FOR REAL slow this puppy down.” It usually works. Usually. If not I’ll have to tap my brakes as a “hey BUDDY, if you don’t back off I WILL FOR REAL SHUT THIS MOTHERF*CKER DOWN.” Have I mentioned I take issue with tailgating?
Could we set some appropriate bling levels, please? I’m all about personal expression. You wanna bedazzle your mode of transportation, be my guest. But maybe we could agree on some of the following:
- I love a bumper sticker. Love ’em! But if I’ve been behind you for more than a mile and still haven’t read all your stickers you might be oversharing.
- So you want to bling out your tires. I don’t get it, they’re TIRES for Pete’s sake, but you do you. Maybe we could reconsider those neon lights lining the rims, though.
- Can we go ahead and say splashing a giant decal across your entire back window isn’t the best idea? Seeing as an unobstructed view is pretty important to, you know, driving.
- Flames – okay. Sports teams – fine. Your car’s make – well, I don’t really get it since driving a Chevy sort of implies you love Chevy but whatever. But can we at least agree that divisive symbols don’t belong on the road? Just a thought.
Going deaf? Don’t take the rest of us with you. I love jamming out in my car as much as the next girl. Sometimes good tunes are the only thing that saves your commute. But if I’m stuck next to you in traffic and can’t hear my copilot over your thumping bass and unintelligible lyrics I’ve got two words for you: noise pollution.