There are some pretty silly warning signs out there. If you’re curious about life if RFTM ran the world you can check out my own warning sign suggestions here, here, here, and here. (You’ve got some time on your hands, right?) Today I thought I’d turn my attention to labels.

There are some stunningly stupid warning labels out there. Like Nytol’s sleep aid: May cause drowsiness. Or a Vidal Sassoon hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. And, possibly my favorite yet, a website warning for the Frankel’s Costume Superman costume: This costume does not enable flight or super strength.

Bwahahahaha!!

Now, for a change of pace, how about some warning labels we could actually use?

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Warning:  Candy marketed “for sharing” has a 98% chance of being consumed entirely by the purchaser. Don’t buy this package if you’re not okay with eating the entire thing. Seriously. Don’t do it.

Because the only thing worse than feeling like a glutton for inhaling an entire bag of candy in one sitting is feeling like a selfish glutton for inhaling an entire bag of candy in one sitting.

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Warning:  Nesting dolls, once separated, will never again look like this.

Ever.

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Warning:  Buying this Backstreet Boys album may lead to middle aged fangirl behavior that will horrify your offspring.

On the plus side, you’re old enough to buy some wine and jam out with your girlfriends now.

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Warning:  Flossing may prevent cavities. Or not do a damn thing. You could floss for 30 minutes a night only to have six cavities at your next checkup.

Flossing. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

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Warning:  Tear away label. DO NOT use scissors. Cutting off tag because you’re not paying attention will result in a tiny bit stubbornly clinging to your shirt, scratching at your neck and irking your soul until you rip at it in a fit of rage, tearing the stitching.

Yes, I speak from experience. Does it show?