Had a big old swing-and-a-miss over the weekend. I’m betting they heard that whoosh two counties over as I kicked up a cloud of dirt Saturday morning. Gotta love when you bail out before you’re even finished your coffee, amiright?
Short version: Bear wanted to go to the movies and dinner with a couple of friends from her new school. My first reaction? Sure, sounds great, I’ll be happy to take you. No, I don’t want to sit through a movie with 12-year-old girls but no, I’m not leaving you alone in that huge/dark/crowded shopping complex. I won’t sit anywhere near you in the theater. There was a bit of back and forth, and it was right after she asked if I had to sit at the same table as them (for the dinner the little sweetheart wanted me to buy) that I kicked her out of the room.
Sure, I’d like to say it was so I could calmly reflect on the situation, but the truth is another thought was pounding through my brain.
You see, I’m struggling here.
Bear’s a great kid. She’s twelve, she makes (mostly) good choices, she’s (usually) responsible. I’d say she rates solidly above average on the “I can trust you won’t set the house on fire” scale.
But she’s twelve. There’s middle school brain at play and girl swooshiness (those of you with girls know what I’m sayin’) and, Lord help us, boys.
She’s smart, but in an not-quite-fully-baked-teen-girl sort of way. She’s responsible, but she can’t drive. She likes her friends, but I don’t even really know these kids yet.
I’m getting whiplash from the flexibility required to parent a not-little-girl, not-yet-grown chica.
To her credit, Bear was gracious when I showed up in her room later that day to explain that sometimes mama needs a moment to process. Because even though we treat her with the respect and responsibility accorded a young woman, sometimes it can still be hard to remember she’s a young woman.
Then again, maybe she was just shocked by my presentation.
(mama got it wrong, yada yada yada) But here’s what you need to remember. This falls under the giving you enough rope to hang yourself category. Yes, I’ll trust you to be responsible, do the right thing, and stay safe in a group. But know this – you think this is a big place, crowded with movie goers, anonymous, but it’s not. This is a small town, there are eyes everywhere, and it will get back to me. You decide to leave, you act the fool, you meet some guys and decide to run across the street for a soda and I Will Hear About It and then I’ll be so far up your butt…well, let’s just say you’ll be sorry you didn’t act right the first time. Capisce?
I guess you could say we have a special shorthand.
The girl’s grown, but not grown, but grown enough to feel it. I’m working on it, okay?
We now live in a small town, after moving from the Chicagoland area. I had to explain this to my son lots of times (that it will ALL get back to me – and yes I know we’re not in Chicago anymore!) My kids are also pretty good about “giving me a moment”. It is actually very helpful, and they understand that when I do this, it is so I can look at both sides of the argument.
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Having the space to look at both sides of the argument makes all the difference. My kids have gotten better at this as they’ve grown up. I’ve even been working with them on timing – because WHEN you ask the question can be the difference between “yes” and “are you freaking kidding me??” 😆
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Yep, I remember those years with my girls. We lived on the Army bases during that time, and I’ll tell you what…if your kid got in trouble, it would definitely get back to you, and to your spouse’s commanding officer, which would not be good! The military community is close and closed, and word gets around fast.
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Good grief…growing up on a base, I can’t quite imagine. Great for you (well, except for that commanding officer thing), not so great for your girls. 😮
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I grew up in a small town. I tried sneaking a boy in my car, a family friend saw, and it got back to my mom. This is so true. It WILL get back to you! lol
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What’s even truer is that just like every tween/teen before her, my kid will be convinced it won’t happen to her, that she’s smart enough/lucky enough/whatever to get away with it. Kinda makes me laugh when I think about me in my teenage years. 😆
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I hear you all the way through, Laura! I have four girls (grown now) in a small town. Not only do I still have a network, my timing and luck played hell with them. One time, one of them was in that phase of driving when she was only allowed (by law) to drive alone or with an adult. I happened to be heading into town to a meeting when she turned in front of me with a friend boy in the passenger seat. I turned on my laser vision and bounced a red light off her rearview mirror and pulled them over. Opened his door and said, “You. Out.” She reported later that he said, “DAMN, she’s GOOD!”
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omg, that is the BEST STORY EVER. You truly achieved legendary status that day… 😆
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Not to mention the time she butt-dialed me when she was on a road trip with another friend boy and she suddenly heard my voice saying, “Exactly where ARE you?!?” He was like, “Oh, my God, how does she DO that?”
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Oh my gosh, STOP IT. 😂😂😂 Have you considered writing a book??
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LOLOLOLOL!
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Processing is crucial, Laura. Crucial. Whatever your decision is (any time, any thing) you must be able to process the information.
My kids are a wee bit older, and we still have times we are present but afar. These are times when ultimatums work.
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Yeah, I think I’m gonna find a Time Out signal. As in Time Out for mama because daaaaaannnnggg, sometimes that thinking on the fly thing is hard.
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Psst, they’ll also learn to prey upon that 😉 LOL You take your time.
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Our kids grow, sometimes faster than we can keep up with. Parenting is not easy, and knowing the best way to handle the many situations that come up, keeping up with those situations, is a real test. The “she doesn’t trust us” is the supreme manipulation tactic, I think.
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Yeah, it didn’t sway me. 🙄 And no, it might be an unpopular opinion, but I DON’T trust groups of tween/teen girls. Most of my very (very!) stupid choices were made with friends – human nature and all.
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Ah, the trials and tribulations. Sounds like you handled it quite well.
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Once we got past the initial blip, yes. I’ll take it. 🙂
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Lol. Sounds very much like what I said to both of my girls, who are now 50 and 52! Somehow we all lived through it. My first conversation with either of the girls in a situation like this didn’t always run smoothly. I freaked out with all the “what if’s” screaming in my head.
Inevitably I knew I had to let go and trust I taught them right from wrong. I didn’t go with them, but I made it crystal clear to them that WE LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN. I WILL HEAR ABOUT IT IF YOU DECIDE TO GET STUPID.
It isn’t so much trusting your child, it’s all those other evil, hormonal nut jobs we worry about.
You’re a good, loving mom. Some day she will look back and really appreciate your concern for her well being. But, don’t hold your breath!! Just sayin…….!! 😂😂
🔹 Ginger 🔹
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Bwahahahaha! This sure does sum it up. One of her friends was like “doesn’t she trust us 😂” (I swear, the laugh emoji is hers) and I’m like I trust my child, I don’t know YOU at all. Bless it.
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What a great mom! 😊
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You’re very kind. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to get it right. 😆
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That’s true for sure. 😊
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Good momma. I’m impressed that you took the time to compose, and then explained the reality.
The town I grew up in had a network that would make social media cry with envy. There was nothing I could do that wouldn’t beat me home.
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Nothing beats the parenting network. If one of the phone companies could harness our power they’d take over the world…
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