I hope my non-American readers will bear with me today as we explore the burning questions of Turkey Day. Gobble gobble gobble.

Christmas gets elves, those happy little helpers pitching in at Santa’s workshop. But Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving brings a dozen people into your home ready to eat, drink, and be the turkey version of merry – where are the happy helpers today? Can’t we at least get an elf to peel the freaking potatoes?

Why is turkey math so flawed? Not the cook time – that usually runs pretty true – but no matter how many times I crunch the numbers I just can’t seem to maintain a decent turkey to stuffing to potatoes ratio. Those lopsided leftovers really mess with my meal plans.

Has there ever been a Thanksgiving gathering in history when gravy didn’t drip on the table? Ever? I didn’t think so.

Why isn’t there any chocolate featured on the menu? Pumpkin pie, apple pie, pecan pie – it’s dessert, where’s the chocolate, man?

How might one express a clear and unwavering preference for quivering can-shaped jellied cranberry sauce over a homemade cranberry salad someone slaved over for an hour without sounding like a cad? Asking for a friend.

To tablecloth or not to tablecloth, that is the eternal question. Followed by existential queries about table runners, placemats, and linen napkins. Don’t get me started on napkin rings.

American or not, Thanksgiving participant or not, I hope each and every one of you experiences a joyful gratitude today. May your fourth Thursday in November be filled with all good things.