Lobbing “hairy” as a prompt at someone with middle school age kids is almost too easy. The jokes practically write themselves, am I right? Huh? Huh?
Lobbing “hairy” as a prompt at someone who’s in some kind of twilight period of impending hot flash doom is also almost too easy. The jokes definitely write themselves.
Lucky for you I renewed my driver’s license this week.
Hey, did you know Congress passed the REAL ID Act way back in 2005? Yeah, seems so, because renewing my license this year entailed more than scary photo ops and random vision tests. There was research and document prep and a very real chance I’d need to do a DNA test on site.
Just kidding about that last part. But you gotta admit it’s a little worrisome that you hesitated.
Anyway, it was right after Hurricane Florence when I realized my license expires in January. That’s when I started calling to make an appointment at the DMV because I’m so not down with sitting in a waiting room for three hours on a weekday. No thanks, man. After a week (really) of calls I finally pinned down a REAL ID appointment for Wednesday of this week. Just in time for Snowmageddon. North Carolina is really knocking it out of the park here.
But snow or no snow that deadline was looming so I hauled my butt out onto the salted roads and down to the Department of Motor Vehicles. (Dum dum duuuuummmmmmm.) Which is where I met a woman we shall call Gloria.
That sounds a bit ominous, like I’m giving her an alias or something. I’m sure none of you will be surprised to learn we’re calling her Gloria because I have absolutely no idea what her name is and, had she told me, I would have forgotten it on my way back to the car because Christmas Season Brain is a real thing.
Gloria was what I like to call real people. Once you talk a little, make a few jokes, act like a human being they realize it’s all good and sometimes things go off the rails. Here’s just a wee bit of our encounter.
Gloria: [after snapping my pic] Does that one look okay?
me: Um, yeah? Eh, sure, it’s fine, I mean my eyes are open. Sorry, I’m just lost, I can’t believe you’re checking with me about my photo.
Gloria: You oughta see these young kids that come in here wanting to take their photo a dozen times.
me: Right? Because what do they have to complain about, they’ve got perfect skin. They’ve got baby skin!
Gloria: Perfect skin and gorgeous hair. They never appreciate the hair. You lose that after you go through menopause, that’s why those little old ladies get their last three hairs dyed blue, gotta keep them looking good.
me: Wait, what? You lose your hair?!
Gloria: Oh yeah, it comes out in handfuls.
me: No! No, that can’t be true! I went through an illness and lost a lot of hair, I’ve just now got it mostly back and you’re telling me I’m gonna lose it again??
Gloria: Yep. Let’s see, how old are you… [peers at computer screen]
me: I’m 47.
Gloria: Yeah, you’re heading into the final stretch, and the hair’s gonna go. You’ll be less hairy on your legs and under your arms, too, but you know what you gain? This really fun three inch hair that just appears on your chin one day on vacation. You’ll look up and be like hey, what’s that…thing…growing out of my face? and it will be the longest damn hair ever. So you’ll buy one of those twenty times magnifying mirrors just so you can spot the hair on your chin.
me: Oh yeah, I’ve got one of those. I’m putting on foundation now and I’m like what the hell, what’s all that hairy fuzz doing on my cheek…whatever, keep it moving. What’s that about?
Gloria: Uh huh, that’s the hormones, your hormones are changing. Wait ’til the hot flashes start. It’s like a ball of fire in your chest that just explodes everywhere and nothing you can do helps. You can be freezing cold on the outside but you’re burning up from the inside out. You know, I’ve always thought they should take the last thirty minutes of that sex ed class to tell those fifth grade girls hey, this is going on now, but wait until later. There’s something really big coming later on. No one tells us about this stuff.
What? Doesn’t everyone walk out of the DMV with a new license and a menopause primer?
Linda hosts Stream of Consciousness Saturday. This week’s prompt is “hairy.” Use it any way you’d like. Bonus points if you use it to mean more than one thing. Enjoy!