Lobbing “hairy” as a prompt at someone with middle school age kids is almost too easy. The jokes practically write themselves, am I right? Huh? Huh?
Lobbing “hairy” as a prompt at someone who’s in some kind of twilight period of impending hot flash doom is also almost too easy. The jokes definitely write themselves.
Lucky for you I renewed my driver’s license this week.
Hey, did you know Congress passed the REAL ID Act way back in 2005? Yeah, seems so, because renewing my license this year entailed more than scary photo ops and random vision tests. There was research and document prep and a very real chance I’d need to do a DNA test on site.
Just kidding about that last part. But you gotta admit it’s a little worrisome that you hesitated.
Anyway, it was right after Hurricane Florence when I realized my license expires in January. That’s when I started calling to make an appointment at the DMV because I’m so not down with sitting in a waiting room for three hours on a weekday. No thanks, man. After a week (really) of calls I finally pinned down a REAL ID appointment for Wednesday of this week. Just in time for Snowmageddon. North Carolina is really knocking it out of the park here.
But snow or no snow that deadline was looming so I hauled my butt out onto the salted roads and down to the Department of Motor Vehicles. (Dum dum duuuuummmmmmm.) Which is where I met a woman we shall call Gloria.
That sounds a bit ominous, like I’m giving her an alias or something. I’m sure none of you will be surprised to learn we’re calling her Gloria because I have absolutely no idea what her name is and, had she told me, I would have forgotten it on my way back to the car because Christmas Season Brain is a real thing.
Gloria was what I like to call real people. Once you talk a little, make a few jokes, act like a human being they realize it’s all good and sometimes things go off the rails. Here’s just a wee bit of our encounter.
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Gloria: [after snapping my pic] Does that one look okay?
me: Um, yeah? Eh, sure, it’s fine, I mean my eyes are open. Sorry, I’m just lost, I can’t believe you’re checking with me about my photo.
Gloria: You oughta see these young kids that come in here wanting to take their photo a dozen times.
me: Right? Because what do they have to complain about, they’ve got perfect skin. They’ve got baby skin!
Gloria: Perfect skin and gorgeous hair. They never appreciate the hair. You lose that after you go through menopause, that’s why those little old ladies get their last three hairs dyed blue, gotta keep them looking good.
me: Wait, what? You lose your hair?!
Gloria: Oh yeah, it comes out in handfuls.
me: No! No, that can’t be true! I went through an illness and lost a lot of hair, I’ve just now got it mostly back and you’re telling me I’m gonna lose it again??
Gloria: Yep. Let’s see, how old are you… [peers at computer screen]
me: I’m 47.
Gloria: Yeah, you’re heading into the final stretch, and the hair’s gonna go. You’ll be less hairy on your legs and under your arms, too, but you know what you gain? This really fun three inch hair that just appears on your chin one day on vacation. You’ll look up and be like hey, what’s that…thing…growing out of my face? and it will be the longest damn hair ever. So you’ll buy one of those twenty times magnifying mirrors just so you can spot the hair on your chin.
me: Oh yeah, I’ve got one of those. I’m putting on foundation now and I’m like what the hell, what’s all that hairy fuzz doing on my cheek…whatever, keep it moving. What’s that about?
Gloria: Uh huh, that’s the hormones, your hormones are changing. Wait ’til the hot flashes start. It’s like a ball of fire in your chest that just explodes everywhere and nothing you can do helps. You can be freezing cold on the outside but you’re burning up from the inside out. You know, I’ve always thought they should take the last thirty minutes of that sex ed class to tell those fifth grade girls hey, this is going on now, but wait until later. There’s something really big coming later on. No one tells us about this stuff.
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What? Doesn’t everyone walk out of the DMV with a new license and a menopause primer?
Linda hosts Stream of Consciousness Saturday. This week’s prompt is “hairy.” Use it any way you’d like. Bonus points if you use it to mean more than one thing. Enjoy!
Reblogged this on Tabytha's Universe and commented:
This post is not only bloody hilarious but sadly so true. Although I am (luckily) still in possession of a full head of thick brunette (mostly) hair, I am continually plucking where no lady wants (or expects) to pluck.
Thanks Laura for posting this. I’m sure my followers will chuckle (and maybe relate) too. 😂
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I think the unexpected plucking part made me laugh hardest here. SO VERY TRUE. Thanks for sharing!
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Thinning hair, sure, losing it in clumps? I think Gloria needs to have her thyroid checked — cause that’s more than menopause. I have magnifying mirrors and good glasses — Moo still takes me out to the sunlight to get the whiskers. The fuzz, meh. The hot flashes, they’ve come and gone. Maybe they’ll come back when it’s over?
Gloria is good people. *nods*
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Agreed. Gotta love a woman who’ll lay it all out there for a girl in the dark. 😆
But seriously, that was the most fun I’ve had at the dmv in…ever.
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🙂
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Those chin hairs aren’t like princess silky either. They are actual whiskers!! About the DMV, it shows you just how much of a fascist country we’re in. If you’re ever unlucky enough to have to go back there for anything, look at the ceilings and you’ll see more of those bulb light surveillance cameras than you have lights on your Christmas trees.
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Oh my gosh, now that you mention it I *totally* noticed the surveillance camera on the wall behind her! Can’t say I looked up and around to spot the others, though…
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at the ones around here, they literally polka-dot the ceiling. if i’m unfortunate enough to have to go back in, I’m taking a picture of those suckers. Homel*and S*curity will probably come and arrest me if I do 😉
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Gloria describing the chin hair reminded me of the Gilda Radner character, Rosanne Rosannada from old SNL. Menopause came up in my stream today too. If it makes you feel any better, I had a lot of changes like hair loss, suddenly flabby upper thighs, etc, right around age 50, but ten years later, things seemed to have leveled off. Except the dry skin. That’s getting worse every winter. Over all, the benefits win out.
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I loved that character! Yeah, I’m rolling with the changes as they show up but it’s nice to get the reminder that eventually there’s an other side to the madness. 😆
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In some ways it’s like adolescence.
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Oh to meet a DMV employee like that! Nothing even close so far. I lost my hair, but it was “thank you, chemo, the kind that creates permanent hair loss” – although maybe a little menopause was mixed in there.
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Boo, chemo. Although yay, chemo, because you’re still here to gab with us…
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Gloria needs some re-training, I believe. Chatting during the photo-taking is ok if it helps the subject relax, but scaring the person needlessly? No way. BTW, I never lost any hair. If Gloria did, that’s her own problem and she shouldn’t be sharing it with DMV clients.
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Nah, I think she was taking her cues off me. There was more joking around involved than I could pack into one little SoCS post so it was less horror story and more amusing/informational.
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I lost some hair, but it must have grown back, because I still have to have it thinned. Mom’s hair got very thin as the years went on, though, so maybe, at 68, I’m still facing that in the future. I have so much hair on my chin and above my lips, I have to shave every other day. I tried bleaching it, but Mom said, “You have the cutest blond mustache–You look like Martin Mull.” So I started shaving.
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Your mom sounds like a riot! Talk about keeping it real. 😆
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I miss her every day. She was a hoot and a half.
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LOL, Laura. Here in Texas, they don’t want old codgers like me showing up so we do it all by mail. I would love to go and meet Gloria. Nice job.
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By mail is appealing. No muss, no fuss, no lines – all good!
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Yup.
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SO good! We all need a Gloria in our lives. Keeping it real!! 🙂
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My favorite DMV employee E-V-E-R. 💛😉
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I lost my hair 40 years ago, but not due to menopause. Genetic…thanks dad!
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Male pattern baldness. The struggle is real.
At least you didn’t feel like a human blowtorch while it happened, though. 😂
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True. Although I share this house with The Editor, and she controls the thermostat. Let’s just say, I own s lot of hoodies.
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My partner didn’t lose her hair either. I remember having to get a new library ID card. The woman doing it said “You have wonderful eyelashes, shame they are wasted on you”. She then desperately tried to explain that she meant she would have loved to have them, but the damage was already done.
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WHAT?!? How on earth did she think she could back out of that one??? Just no. (And lucky you to have gorgeous lashes!)
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I didn’t lose my hair! 😂
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Hope springs eternal… 😆😆
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