1. Put Some Jingle Bells On Those Jingle Balls (Before You Freeze Them Off in a Sleigh)
2. All I Want For Christmas is Compound Interest and a 401k Plan that Doesn’t Suck
3. Santa Claus is Coming to Town (and He Knows You’ve Been Sneaking Your Mama’s Chocolates)
4. Geez, Kid, Of Course I Didn’t Send an Elf to Your House, How Many Elves Do You Think We Have Up Here?
5. It Sure Wasn’t a Silent Night with a Baby in the Manger (Someone Get Mary a Pair of Earplugs)
6. Have Yourself Another Xanax (and a Merry Little Christmas, Too)
7. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like I’m Having an Affair with the UPS Driver (Thanks, free holiday shipping.)
8. I’m Dreaming of a Christmas Where Nobody Kills Each Other Over the Last Cinnamon Roll
9. Sleigh Bells Ring but Nobody Gives a Crap because They’ve Been Playing Christmas Carols Non-Stop Since Halloween and Can We Just Get a Break, please??
10. Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart (and a Scorching Case of Herpes After You Cheated On Me With the Neighbor)
11. Frosty The – whoops, sorry, Wendy’s™ claimed copyright infringement and pulled Frosty off the market
12. Please Come Home for Christmas (I Could Use Backup at the Family Reunion)
13. Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime (Those Credit Card Statements Make For a Nice Bonfire)
14. Let It Snow Then Melt Before You Run Out of Food or Hot Chocolate or Entertaining Indoor Activities for the Little People Who Will Be Tired of Going Outside Before Your Finish Fighting Your Way into Long Underwear
15. Joy to the World (Even that Really Obnoxious Guy Who Weaves In and Out of Traffic Like the Laws of Physics Don’t Apply to Him, Joy to Him too)