1. Does anybody even still buy gum in the checkout line? They tell us over and over don’t pick up stuff here, it’s all meant to suck you into an impulse buy, you get a better deal on multipacks in the candy aisle so why do they still waste the – ooh! Snickers!
2. There’s a certain irony in “Liam Neeson’s Career At Risk Over Racist Comments” being considered a shocking headline. I can hear the movie executives now: So who should we get for the lead? Mid-level budget, action, suspense – I know! Let’s get that guy who told the world he stalked the streets with a bat hoping to kill whatever black guy wandered into his path! He’ll be perfect!
3. I’m a grown woman well over twenty-one. I pay my taxes, drive on the right side of the road, and keep my kids in school. I’m a card carrying member of the Handle Your Shit club with a side membership in the Mind Your Business society. So tell me again why I can’t pick up a bottle of moscato with my groceries on the way home from church? Damn, North Carolina.
4. You can still pay by check at a grocery store? Huh.
5. I’m gonna need this woman to stop rolling up on me. Push that cart one inch closer, lady, and I will wait until this guy completely clears his groceries and heads out before I even start putting things on the conveyor belt.
6. Okay, dude with only five items, I see you giving my cart the evil eye. That’s why I’m in the full service lane. Go find an express checkout for people who run to the store for peanut butter, beer, Brillo pads, and toothpaste.
7. Why are you bagging those things together? Is it too much to ask you bag it like it sits? For the love, I’m just a girl staring at a checkout cashier asking her to keep my produce separate from the cold items.
8. HEY. LADY. Would you like me to turn the keypad so you can see my PIN easier? Take three steps back or your cantaloupe gets it.
9. I’ll take the bread and eggs I’ll take the bread and eggs I’ll take the bread and eggs I’ll take the – yeah, sure, dropping it sideways into the cart will work, too.
10. Ah, look at that. The sky’s opened. Because the only thing that makes loading groceries into the car more fun is doing it in the pouring rain.