“I’m getting a divorce. I have to. It’s kind of an emergency. No, he’s not cheating. There’s no issue of abuse. No sign of addiction or alcoholism. He’s got a job. In actuality, he’s a pretty decent guy. But still, he’s got to go.
You may be asking yourself why I would end a 25 year marriage for seemingly no good reason. It’s simple. The bank put the wrong last name on my new debit card.
By now, I’m sure you’re saying, Christine, just head back to the bank and get it straightened out. But I’d have to tell you, with my most stern face while possibly wagging my finger at you, I can’t and you won’t make me!
Perhaps I should lay out the backstory.”
“I was getting a gel manicure the other day because I’m a fancy lady who’s got what it takes and knows how to use it, and the nail technician and I were chatting it up and getting along great…
…riiight up until she said the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.
And please bear in mind I have actually heard the sound of my own body being hit by a Cadillac Fleetwood at high speed.
“The french fries at Burger Fi are gross. I only like fries that are soggy.” “
“So I’m pretty sure I’m going through a midlife crisis. I feel like I’m falling apart. I feel like the more I try to keep from falling apart, the faster I fall apart. I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t breathe. And, on top of all that, I also feel numb. I’m not positive that’s a midlife crisis, because when I Google midlife crisis or signs of a midlife crisis, so much of the information points to how men feel or how men can cope. There’s not a lot of information out there for women.
I thought, Maybe it doesn’t happen to us? No, I think it’s more like we don’t talk about this stuff.
I was reminded of a story about my overwhelmed great-grandmother asking her doctor for some help and he told her, “Nice women don’t discuss such things.”
I guess it’s a good thing I’m not a nice woman? Because I’m ready to discuss this uncomfortable topic.”
“A few months ago I found my neighbor’s purse in the alley behind our houses near the dumpster. It was a nice purse, real leather, and inside was a Coach brand wallet. I assumed she’d been robbed, and went to her door to return the nearly empty bag. Imagine my surprise when she told me that no, it hadn’t been stolen, she’d just thrown it out.
Rather than side-eyeing her into oblivion, I kept the designer items… and sold them for cold, hard cash. Because that, dear friends, is how I do.
For I am a Craigslist Samurai! A Paladin of online, stranger-to-stranger transactions! Bequeath unto me your used snowboards and semi-broken furniture! I shall dust them off, fix them up, and turn them for a tidy profit, all in the name of my eventual financial independence!”
“You know how you say you’ll never do something for one reason or another, then one day you do that which you said you’d never do and nothing bad happens to you.
And you begin to wonder why you had the self-imposed rule to begin with and you become
somewhat distraught mildly perturbed because you cannot remember why it seemed important to you to not do that which you just did.
That’s what I’m talking about here. All of that.”