10 twitter funnies for your Friday

Today is going to be a great day; I’m going to be calm, collected, and — WHO THE FUCK IS CHANGING THE TOASTER SETTINGS!!

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 6, 2019

"We do not eat garbage dipped in toilet water" and other things that make it sound like I'm raising a raccoon and not a toddler.

— F🦊xie (@mamafoxen) May 28, 2019

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

— JPo (@Peauxtassium) June 6, 2019

me explaining to my boyfriend why we’re going to straight pride pic.twitter.com/ZtXpLaV05s

— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) June 4, 2019

floats at the straight pride parade include but are not limited to:

•jar of mayonnaise
•bowling ball
•can of bud light
•cargo shorts
•handgun
•camo hat
•crock pot
•tapout shirt
•slim jim
•mark wahlberg
•dartboard
•acoustic guitar

— 🏳️‍🌈𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 🏳️‍🌈 (@YuckyTom) June 5, 2019

Okay hear me out:

What if instead of doing all the things, we do none of the things and take a nap instead?

— Cassandra Leigh🥴🍌 (@cassaleigh_) April 4, 2019

I have a very important and adorable update: @God_Son80's daughter has met a fawn and they are now best friends pic.twitter.com/udYBXiPFnw

— Jordan Zirm (@clevezirm) June 3, 2019

That doesn’t look good on you.
That shows your paunch.
Too slutty.
Too tight.
Too baggy.
Out of style.
Really Mom?!?

If you want to know the real deal, get yourself a teenaged daughter.

— MimZWay (@MimZWay) June 1, 2019

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) June 4, 2019